Life in the fast lane

Things are changing. I am changing.

All of a sudden, life isn't happening to me - I am making life happen. Which is highly unexpected, but incredible.

In sum, I have quite my job. I am leaving Scotland. We are beginning a new life.

It will probably be back near Midwestia, and it will probably involve Liam being an academic. Me, I want to make documentaries and be a creative consultant on science and history projects. I want to write a book of essays. I want to be my art, not just commission other people's anymore.

It's not really a plan. First time in my life I haven't planned every step and sub-category along the way.

But you know what? That's not the only way to do it. and in fact, it's fucking exhausting to worry so much.

To be so preoccupied with the future I never get to enjoy now.

I am quitting more than my job, I am quitting being typeA. No matter what battlescars made me cope that way, I am unchoosing it. Right now.

Besides, everything I put on the list of life achievements so far has happened (yes, I really did have a list taped inside my closet):

Go to Italy - check
Travel the world - check
Be important and powerful - check
Fall in love - check
Live in Europe - check
be published - check
be famous - check
Go back to Scotland - check
Have letters after my name - check (it's BS MSc, but still)

Maybe I set my sights low.

Maybe I changed my mind.

But being on the local news and recognised in the grocery store isn't as fun as you think.

And living in Europe is amazing, but exhausting too. I'm ready to not be the foreigner for a while. I've forgotten what it's like to fit in. Maybe I never will, but I'd like to put down the burden of being special for awhile at least.

and I figure I'm young enough to throw it out the window and have an adventure.

We talk about joining the peacecorps or backpacking in Thailand. Roadtriping the east coast and learning to sail. I have so much more life than spreadsheets. And my ideas are too big for a town this small.

And frankly, for once, I don't care if I fail. I don't want to be perfect anymore, I just want to be Sara.

And for now she is just not a desk job, small town, salaried person. Even if it's an amazing job and a big salary. even if it's a heart breakingly beautiful town. and a world of people who re passionate about interesting things.

It's just not going to cut the mustard until I make and do and be what I want. What I believe in.

And I've had just enough success to know other people believe me too. My one great gift in life is so much enthusiasm it's contagious. So many ideas and connections and possibilities the world is teeming with projects and more things than I can ever do.

I love having ideas. They are pretty good ones too (good enough other people steal them for their book jackets and newspaper articles, and if you are my boss, a lot more than that). And if they are good enough to steal maybe they are good enough to sell. Hell, good enough to actually do something with instead of shelving for someday.

And frankly, my ideas are way better than my work ethic, so I may as well find a way to make money at what I do well. So why wouldn't I take the leap? What have I got to lose?