So, it's been a hard year. I've been harping on about it; first how hard it would be, then how hard it is, then (shockingly) how hard it was and continues to have a black-ish cloud over the crawling out of the hardness-type experience.
I didn't really need any evidence of this, but my shiny new Wii Fit thought otherwise.
Last summer, playing at a friends house, I was squite surprisinngly of average weight and right on target for my age (possibly the first time this has been true since middle school). In 6 months I am now more than overweight and the lovely little board cartoon friends of my reckon I've aged about 12 years. It's disgusting.
Now I'm not going to put huge stock into the opinions of a pixelated piggy bank & co, but still. It's a sad day when even your virtual friends think you need to start getting back your life.
26 January 2009
18 January 2009
philosophical conundrum
what if you are loved. loved deeply, honestly and whole-heartedly.
but it's not how you always wanted to be loved?
love is so many things to so many people, can you still be in love and not match? can you defy your expectations? Can you grow with your lover to something akin to your dreams? Is being loved enough? Or is it selfish to expect a specific manifestation of that love?
this is a saturday night couch philosopher one for the ages. i am full of huberis and ennui apparently and just asking for trouble.
but it's not how you always wanted to be loved?
love is so many things to so many people, can you still be in love and not match? can you defy your expectations? Can you grow with your lover to something akin to your dreams? Is being loved enough? Or is it selfish to expect a specific manifestation of that love?
this is a saturday night couch philosopher one for the ages. i am full of huberis and ennui apparently and just asking for trouble.
16 January 2009
okay
for the first time in a long time I feel satisfied.
a tiny little piece of me is worried I'll lose sight of the bigger ennui, but i am just so happy to be alive. to be me. to be living this life. it's like falling in love all over again.
here are good things that happened this week:
- i went out with my friends. for the first time in I dont know how long. And yes, most of my friends are kids lit people - because we all live the job - but it was just so good to suck long islands and relax. I forgot what it was like to unwind after work instead of rushing home to put on the dinner.
- i watched enchanted. (we bought it with our christmas money.) not only do I love the ceaseless, unabashed joy of ironic disney - but the fact Liam loves it as much as I do is like some secret miracle. who could have guessed?
- i was interviewed at parliament by a bunch of seventh graders for their local radio station. it was amazing. they were so professional, but also so young and hopeful and although it was weird to be seen as that important, it also felt great to be involved and engaged and matter.
- i ate 5 fruit and veg every day. it helps more than you would think.
- i bought my plane ticket. i am going to visit my parents. just for a time-out. no hooplah, just naps. i cannot wait - even though i feel a bit guilty leaving liam here since he can't take time off to come too. (i think most of the guilt is because i am relieved i don't need ot look after him in the weirdness of Okemos, I can just let go and be looked after myself)
- i started a book group. it may come to nothing, but i like having things to look forward to. and my sister is the only person I know who loves reading like I do. it's one of the few emotions I captured well back on d-x I still miss it a little when I think of those entries.
- i bought a shitty, cheap chandelier- and when I say chandelier I mean dangly plastic-crystal in twirly spirals light bulb cover - for the front hall. it cheers me up no end.
- i worked my ass off. not because i should have or I had deadlines. but I had work I wanted to do, so I worked 10, 11 hour days to do it. And when I was done, I left. It feels purposeful to choose. And also, to fight now to make room for my vacation home means I am working to my timeline, my world - instead of the other way around - and it is so liberating.
so yeah, it's not so bad.
a tiny little piece of me is worried I'll lose sight of the bigger ennui, but i am just so happy to be alive. to be me. to be living this life. it's like falling in love all over again.
here are good things that happened this week:
- i went out with my friends. for the first time in I dont know how long. And yes, most of my friends are kids lit people - because we all live the job - but it was just so good to suck long islands and relax. I forgot what it was like to unwind after work instead of rushing home to put on the dinner.
- i watched enchanted. (we bought it with our christmas money.) not only do I love the ceaseless, unabashed joy of ironic disney - but the fact Liam loves it as much as I do is like some secret miracle. who could have guessed?
- i was interviewed at parliament by a bunch of seventh graders for their local radio station. it was amazing. they were so professional, but also so young and hopeful and although it was weird to be seen as that important, it also felt great to be involved and engaged and matter.
- i ate 5 fruit and veg every day. it helps more than you would think.
- i bought my plane ticket. i am going to visit my parents. just for a time-out. no hooplah, just naps. i cannot wait - even though i feel a bit guilty leaving liam here since he can't take time off to come too. (i think most of the guilt is because i am relieved i don't need ot look after him in the weirdness of Okemos, I can just let go and be looked after myself)
- i started a book group. it may come to nothing, but i like having things to look forward to. and my sister is the only person I know who loves reading like I do. it's one of the few emotions I captured well back on d-x I still miss it a little when I think of those entries.
- i bought a shitty, cheap chandelier- and when I say chandelier I mean dangly plastic-crystal in twirly spirals light bulb cover - for the front hall. it cheers me up no end.
- i worked my ass off. not because i should have or I had deadlines. but I had work I wanted to do, so I worked 10, 11 hour days to do it. And when I was done, I left. It feels purposeful to choose. And also, to fight now to make room for my vacation home means I am working to my timeline, my world - instead of the other way around - and it is so liberating.
so yeah, it's not so bad.
09 January 2009
04 January 2009
my year
I have been wanting to make a retrospective. To put into writing all the things that have happened, because I didn't record them as they happened, and I don't want to lose them in my somewhat unpredictable memory (I remember and can name every kid from my kindergarden class, but I have no clue what I did last Thursday. It's a crazy vortex.)
But, regardless, I am going to try:
January
The year started out hard. I was so homesick. So tired. So scared. Not unlike most light deprived winter doldrums, but somehow more depressing in their monotony over the years. Plus, I was really worried about my sister, jealous of my siblings high life in the sun together and starting to really hate my job.
highlight: I honestly don't remember one.
lowlight: the mindbending numbness
February
I never hate February as much as everyone else, because i have a birthday to look forward to and it's so short I make it feel hopeful, racing towards spring.
This year was no different, and the sadness lifted a little because it was a month full of family. My mom came to visit for a week, and then we went to Kent to meet all of Liam's gang for the first time. I was sorry I spent so much time fighting with my mom and being so angry, but I think we both said things we meant and it's helped us in the long run.
highlight: playing on the beach with my mom is probably tied with Liam taking me to the movies for a surprise valentines.
lowlight: being ridiculously scared of Liam's sister at first (she's a fashion designer who looks like gwenyth paltrow. you try not being intimidated of her)
March
I don't remember March. It's always hard writing the programme and keeping shit together at work this time of year, and the cold wet spring didn't do much to help.
I re-read my unremarkable March entries in case I was forgetting something, but other than a friend getting engaged, there wasn't much of consequence going on.
highlight: n/a
lowlight: all of it?
April
I spent April being somewhere else. I took up hobbies briefly, I made lunch dates, we went on field trips. I tried to jump start my life with activity to make it feel real again. Some helped, some didn't. Being in Italy for work still felt glamorous, but also mindbendingly lonely. And hiking trips in the country over Easter were awesome, which I hope we get around to reintegrating into our lives again soon.
highlight: picnicking in the hills on Easter - though feeding breadcrumbs to the robin perched in our arbor had a panic stricken moment when we thought it might choke on our errant dorito fleck. God forbid, we all know that triangular wedged in the neck sensation is a bitch.
lowlight: the tired.
May
I was angry. Sick, tired and angry. I'd lost the will to fight the doctors anymore, I'd lost any interest in sex or food. I was wasting away. I kept fighting, and it did subside, but I still feel like it's lurking in there, like a dormant virus.
Of course, there were also beautiful things. Liam was so wonderful. I spent much of my time distracting myself with fun excursions, cute animals and good tv. Which all make for happy membories, if not miracle cures.
highlight: trying anyway
lowlight: hating everything, and losing faith in the medical profession
June
June always felt like the beginning of the end. For the last year, this was the beginning of the gauntlet season. One we knew would test our sanity with social engagements, and absolutely ensure we went broke. It was going to be fun, but it was also a form of hell.
highlight: getting good press and feeling like I'd arrived
lowlight: waiting for the storm, and realising I would had to leave Edinburgh for good soon.
July
It started with the Queen, and ended with my Festival eminent. It included the opening days of the campaign, and also some unexpected moments I still cherish.
highlight: our Dalmeny beach carpe diem on what turned out to be the one hot day of the year
lowlight: the grueling schedule
August
If anything happened in August that wasn't the Festival, I'm not sure I would even have noticed much less taken part. It's odd that 18 days can take up a whole month, but I suppose when I clocked over 200 hours in those two weeks, it gives some perspective. Liams mom also came to visit and I had to fire some poor, stupid college kid.
highlight: actually spending time with kids who are passionate (even when they hate my choices), and feeling revitalised and full of purpose.
lowlight: the rain. the constant, sad rain
September
A blur of tired and high emotions. A complete mind boggling roller coaster that I'll probably discuss with my therapist in my midlife crisis.
highlight: Kate & Jimmy
lowlight: having to keep going
October
By now, I just wanted to stop the world and get off. I was running on empty, blind, and getting angrier by the day.
London was a blast, the 3rd wedding was beautiful, but my heart wasn't in it anymore and I was bereft.
highlight: dancing alone, free and wild, to irish fiddle music at Leeds Castle
lowlight: giving up
November
Starting out on a sunny weekend in Chicago with people I love was awesome. Spending 2 weeks in Australia was like a dream come true. But by now, I was so tired and empty it felt hollow and I was too resentful of nothing in particular to give it my all, something I'll probably come to regret, even if I didn't have a choice.
highlight: there were so many. right now, probably hanging out on Navy Pier with jennie and my folks
lowlight: never being home.
December
Oh, and did I mention through all of this we were moving? we signed the paperwork 1 december. Weeks of packing and mess made for a hell of a start.
But mostly this was the month of fighting. every day, all the time. The stress of it all, the unending work demands, the resentment at my absence and my hatred of the confounding pressures. All the time, over everything we were tearing each other apart, both I think just waiting for what had promised to be the most delightful, celebratory period was now just a pile of reasons we were poor, tired, crabby and felt alone. It was truly aweful.
We're getting there now. It's been hard what with Liam trying to find work, me going off the pill (mt hormones are more wacked out than they were in middle school), Christmas, moving, family and all the resentment that's invisibly built up while we were trying to get on with things over the summer and fall.
But we've arrived now. It's the beginning of a new life - and we're making plans. Together. And that's what matters.
I think the moral of the story is I shouldn't be a rock star. I don't care how much I love travelling, how capable of playing the world I am or how much I enjoy running the circuit and media circus - I want time off. I want to be close to my family. And I have a god given right to nap. And these are worth more than any amount of full page newspaper articles and first class train tickets. I want more than that. For the first time in my life I don't want to be my job. And I sure as hell am not taking any more work trips or letting anyone get married until we have a good proper break to get our own life back in order first. Things have gone to hell in a handbasket and its high time I started building my world again instead of letting it crumble around me.
Happy New Year.
But, regardless, I am going to try:
January
The year started out hard. I was so homesick. So tired. So scared. Not unlike most light deprived winter doldrums, but somehow more depressing in their monotony over the years. Plus, I was really worried about my sister, jealous of my siblings high life in the sun together and starting to really hate my job.
highlight: I honestly don't remember one.
lowlight: the mindbending numbness
February
I never hate February as much as everyone else, because i have a birthday to look forward to and it's so short I make it feel hopeful, racing towards spring.
This year was no different, and the sadness lifted a little because it was a month full of family. My mom came to visit for a week, and then we went to Kent to meet all of Liam's gang for the first time. I was sorry I spent so much time fighting with my mom and being so angry, but I think we both said things we meant and it's helped us in the long run.
highlight: playing on the beach with my mom is probably tied with Liam taking me to the movies for a surprise valentines.
lowlight: being ridiculously scared of Liam's sister at first (she's a fashion designer who looks like gwenyth paltrow. you try not being intimidated of her)
March
I don't remember March. It's always hard writing the programme and keeping shit together at work this time of year, and the cold wet spring didn't do much to help.
I re-read my unremarkable March entries in case I was forgetting something, but other than a friend getting engaged, there wasn't much of consequence going on.
highlight: n/a
lowlight: all of it?
April
I spent April being somewhere else. I took up hobbies briefly, I made lunch dates, we went on field trips. I tried to jump start my life with activity to make it feel real again. Some helped, some didn't. Being in Italy for work still felt glamorous, but also mindbendingly lonely. And hiking trips in the country over Easter were awesome, which I hope we get around to reintegrating into our lives again soon.
highlight: picnicking in the hills on Easter - though feeding breadcrumbs to the robin perched in our arbor had a panic stricken moment when we thought it might choke on our errant dorito fleck. God forbid, we all know that triangular wedged in the neck sensation is a bitch.
lowlight: the tired.
May
I was angry. Sick, tired and angry. I'd lost the will to fight the doctors anymore, I'd lost any interest in sex or food. I was wasting away. I kept fighting, and it did subside, but I still feel like it's lurking in there, like a dormant virus.
Of course, there were also beautiful things. Liam was so wonderful. I spent much of my time distracting myself with fun excursions, cute animals and good tv. Which all make for happy membories, if not miracle cures.
highlight: trying anyway
lowlight: hating everything, and losing faith in the medical profession
June
June always felt like the beginning of the end. For the last year, this was the beginning of the gauntlet season. One we knew would test our sanity with social engagements, and absolutely ensure we went broke. It was going to be fun, but it was also a form of hell.
highlight: getting good press and feeling like I'd arrived
lowlight: waiting for the storm, and realising I would had to leave Edinburgh for good soon.
July
It started with the Queen, and ended with my Festival eminent. It included the opening days of the campaign, and also some unexpected moments I still cherish.
highlight: our Dalmeny beach carpe diem on what turned out to be the one hot day of the year
lowlight: the grueling schedule
August
If anything happened in August that wasn't the Festival, I'm not sure I would even have noticed much less taken part. It's odd that 18 days can take up a whole month, but I suppose when I clocked over 200 hours in those two weeks, it gives some perspective. Liams mom also came to visit and I had to fire some poor, stupid college kid.
highlight: actually spending time with kids who are passionate (even when they hate my choices), and feeling revitalised and full of purpose.
lowlight: the rain. the constant, sad rain
September
A blur of tired and high emotions. A complete mind boggling roller coaster that I'll probably discuss with my therapist in my midlife crisis.
highlight: Kate & Jimmy
lowlight: having to keep going
October
By now, I just wanted to stop the world and get off. I was running on empty, blind, and getting angrier by the day.
London was a blast, the 3rd wedding was beautiful, but my heart wasn't in it anymore and I was bereft.
highlight: dancing alone, free and wild, to irish fiddle music at Leeds Castle
lowlight: giving up
November
Starting out on a sunny weekend in Chicago with people I love was awesome. Spending 2 weeks in Australia was like a dream come true. But by now, I was so tired and empty it felt hollow and I was too resentful of nothing in particular to give it my all, something I'll probably come to regret, even if I didn't have a choice.
highlight: there were so many. right now, probably hanging out on Navy Pier with jennie and my folks
lowlight: never being home.
December
Oh, and did I mention through all of this we were moving? we signed the paperwork 1 december. Weeks of packing and mess made for a hell of a start.
But mostly this was the month of fighting. every day, all the time. The stress of it all, the unending work demands, the resentment at my absence and my hatred of the confounding pressures. All the time, over everything we were tearing each other apart, both I think just waiting for what had promised to be the most delightful, celebratory period was now just a pile of reasons we were poor, tired, crabby and felt alone. It was truly aweful.
We're getting there now. It's been hard what with Liam trying to find work, me going off the pill (mt hormones are more wacked out than they were in middle school), Christmas, moving, family and all the resentment that's invisibly built up while we were trying to get on with things over the summer and fall.
But we've arrived now. It's the beginning of a new life - and we're making plans. Together. And that's what matters.
I think the moral of the story is I shouldn't be a rock star. I don't care how much I love travelling, how capable of playing the world I am or how much I enjoy running the circuit and media circus - I want time off. I want to be close to my family. And I have a god given right to nap. And these are worth more than any amount of full page newspaper articles and first class train tickets. I want more than that. For the first time in my life I don't want to be my job. And I sure as hell am not taking any more work trips or letting anyone get married until we have a good proper break to get our own life back in order first. Things have gone to hell in a handbasket and its high time I started building my world again instead of letting it crumble around me.
Happy New Year.
01 January 2009
now
last night, in the climax of our fight about everything and nothing, I said
"I want to celebrate. To cherish the good in this world. To be happy, just for a minute. To remember how lucky we are and be hopeful. To feel wonder. To be a part of something bigger"
And as soon as I said it, I knew I didn't mean new years or fireworks or champagne. I meant life.
Funny how one minute makes everything shiny again.
"I want to celebrate. To cherish the good in this world. To be happy, just for a minute. To remember how lucky we are and be hopeful. To feel wonder. To be a part of something bigger"
And as soon as I said it, I knew I didn't mean new years or fireworks or champagne. I meant life.
Funny how one minute makes everything shiny again.
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