22 September 2009

Let's start with the fact I am on holiday.

A whole blissful week for relaxing, vegging, and putting my life back in order.

Oh wait, except everything and it's minutiae is suddenly hugely urgent, I can't stop thinking about work and Liam and I are in a fight. Add to this the ridiculous complications of getting a house for my family's christmas visit, the stress ball of stomach acid rising as everyday of this week gets taken up with stupid chores (leave it to me to be stressed about not having enough time to relax) and my now chronic back pain.

Oh yeah, and it's our anniversary.

Yay.

16 September 2009

afters

I visited my own blog today and was shocked to see how long it's been.

I suppose because life is big and busy and I am still a bit broken from it all.

In sum, my parents came during the busiest, most stressful period of my year. It was really nice to see them but also highly charged and I was more than highly strung. But they looked after me and were nice to my boy (and even took his visiting siblings out to dinner! may the family mingling begin!).

but it was also a bit sad and weird because i feel like a hardly saw them and selfishly i wish they'd come back now i have some time to play.

plus, let's not forget the 200,000 people, 8 venues, 300 authors, 1 peter rabbit and 145 glue sticks I had to look after over those 17 days.

It was big. bigger even than usual. and almost all of my new, exciting, heart breaking loveliness panned out. it rocked.

and then i spent 2 weeks trying to reclaim my life. Mostly reconnecting with my saintly, adoring, tolerant bean. It's weird how easy it is to get into a pattern of coexisting when there is so much pulling you in every direction. It takes a lot of effort to stop the world, but we found each other again - and if I'm honest, we're getting better at it every time. god love him. it's been so nice to feel connected every minute of every day. it's like all my pieces got put back together. it's grounding and liberating and brilliantly perfect.

plus also that meant daytrips to castles, a midnight bbq for two under the stars and all manner of other things I wish we'd been doing all summer but are making up for lost time with.

now, after the day of closure (our final book end staff debrief), I just have one niggling bee in my bonnet.

a night out that is all about letting my hair down went a bit awry.
mostly it was just drinking 5 pints with no dinner which means i am still hungover and it's almost dinner time (the hangovers are getting exponentially worse with age). it positively blows and is so ridiculous.

but there is a little piece of me that crossed a line. an arbitrary, internal sort of line like knowing you took more than your fair share of the m&ms.

while there is nothing actually wrong with enjoying a night out with friends, somewhere an internal alarm clock is dissatisfied. some little piece of me is frowning in disapproval. i am such an old fashioned prude.

Not that anything happened. Not that anything would. Not in a million years would I ever be anything other than honest. and my committment doesn't come by halves.

but the giddy happy 'you are all so wonderful' gushing of happy endings mixed with relief just went a hair too far. in hindsight and the clear (if nauseous) light of day the boozy camaraderie felt a bit flirty. and i am not comfortable with flirting. whether a lovely young boy means it or not, whether it's playful friendly banter of colleagues at the pub, I don't want to even engage with that sort of chat. It just doesn't feel right, and I am not that sort of gal. and I know I am making mountains out of molehills, but I guess this is one molehill I have a lot of stake in. and for the first time, I feel simultaneously ashamed and proud.

i maybe didn't handle it the way I wish I had, but at the same time there is something so reassuring about knowing my lines, knowing my rules and being full of conviction. i am so rarely sure about anything, but if I ever was it's now.

so there you go. possibly the worst love letter sentiment of all time, but it feels like I passed some test I didn't know about. I choose him. Over everyone, anyone, any minute, everyday. And no one, not even cute guys who would have turned my head in days gone by, are more important, meaningful and downright perfect than that.

it's one hell of a thing to be so smitten.