eurovision 2009

Eurovision is a unique cultural anomaly. Anyone outside the EU has probably (read: hopefully) never heard of, much less witnessed, this pop-trash array of madness.

However, it's schlocky camp fun and the earnestness of the international competitors are hard to pass up. Plus, I have had so many people in my life who would adore this American Idol/Hands Across America/Its a Small World circus (in gold lame with flame throwers) I feel some small moral obligation to enjoy it for them (in their ignorant, blissful absence).

Let's do this proper interview style.

What is Eurovision?
The eurovision song contest is an annual european competition. Each member state sends a group/band/singer to perform an original musical number. Then, citizens of each country vote on a winner. (there are lots of knock out rounds and by-laws I won't bore you with)

How is that fun?
You have obviously never witnessed the sort of acts that get on here.

My all time favourite was the 2006 winners from Finland.



Orc/Klingon death metal has never been cooler. The winning song was "Hard Rock, Hallelujah!".

There have also be great instances of 'traditional' dancing including clogs, leiderhosen, ukeleles and all manner of props, costumes and madness anyone with half a soul would be amused by.


This year's showstoppers were from the Ukraine. It was cirque do soleil porn.

I can't seem to get the video to load right, but it's well worth it. Trust me - there is ladder dancing, flame spurts, a shitty drum solo - and oh yes, gyrating Spartans in too-short silver loin clothes. The act starts 44 seconds in (after some of the glorious intro blads)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZJdQESnyu4


though this was our favourite of 09, the fire throwing rappers and electric cello playing girl group were also impressively weird.


What does the winner get?
Usually obscure european fame, but sometimes they become major success stories.

Case and point:



or



or even




She's not european!
There are some minor loopholes for descendants or people with ties to different
countries. It is highly competitive and there is always chat of politics and cheating.

How can something so inane be so political?
Well there is a commonly held belief in the west that all balkans flock together. Scandiavia notoriously votes internally. Tiny countries almost always vote for their bigger, powerful neighbours. Plus, things like the huge UK ex-pat community in Greece can swing the vote. There is much speculation on border hopping (as in driving across the state line) just for the voting too.

It's a big incestuous nightmare wrapped up in gold lame and spandex really.


So how does Eurovision work?
Each country selects their 'act' by voting, concerts, tv performance- what have you (I'll tell you about britains legendary 2009 attempt later.)

Several knock out rounds across Europe lead to the eventual 26 nations performing in the finals - broadcast live on BBC One and other major tv stations across the continent (snippy commentary now by the oh so patriotic Graham Norton).

During the designated portion of the show (usually during a cringe worthy tour of the host country with staged bad jokes that out do the Oscars) any person in any country can call in their vote. Then, a representative from each country casts the top three majority votes for points (12 points for 1st, 10 for 2nd, 8 for 3rd).

They call out each countries vote live on tv (a gruelling hour of bad hair and green screen backdrops of European moments amounting to "Hello, this is Azerbijan calling. Our votes go to..." (and yes, Azerbijan is a country). There are 43 countries in total I think. This part is mindbendingly boring.

Does everyone sing in English then?
Usually yes - most countries think this caters to the widest audience and play for votes by singing in the common tongue. except the french who always sing in french I assume as some weird protest.

Jesus. How long has this madness been going on?
Since the 50s. It was some post-war rekindling european ties initiative. New countries seem to get added all the time. The worst is Portugal who had their 45th year in the competition this year and they have never won.

But then of course, last year Britain came last which was shockingly embarassing.

Oh yeah, what was that about Britains tragic madness this year?
Generally the UK, and much of the west, dont take this too seriously. It's mediocre artists no one has ever heard of singing stupid songs (once it was, I kid you not, a dance number based on airline stewardesses - they even mimed the hand motions.).

But lots of countries send their biggest pop stars. It's like a huge honour. Someone this year was Malta's best selling artist- another was the eastern european opener for the Rolling Stones. It's a big deal.

So, when we came last in 08, something had to be done.

Enter Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Why he cared so much I know not (bruised national pride seems daft in this context), but he launched a nationwide search for the 09 entry - culminating in his own show Eurovision: Your Country Needs You, an American Idol style tv show. It was fucking insane (and unwatchable.).

anyway, so he found some down and out belter who was made a star. She did a huge promo tour, it was the light of his life. She still came fifth, and if I'm honest she has some pipes, but his song totally blew (he even played the piano on stage with her, the toad faced git). It was truly truly weird.

Wow, that doesn't make any sense at all. Eurovision is a kettle of loons
Ah, but that is the beauty of eurovision. Snarky commentary, ridiculous dance numbers, too much swedish beer (and weird foreign candy). it's like the best sleep over party you never had.

Eurovision rocks. i only wish we could institute a state-by-state american version.

i know i am sick when i see stars just from standing up.

when i snap at someone looking at me askance.

when i have horrible daydreams about my neighbours because they didn't sort the mail out by apartment.

when my mouth takes like a peach that's gone off.

when my middle is hard and swollen and my outsides are soggy and limp.

the worst bit is, my stress levels are up so my immune system is at an all time low. exactly when i can't afford the time away from the office is when it all comes crashing down. and on top of the sinus headache, this morning i woke up with cramps.

sick+pms=hell.

Sex is better than any drug

I am great in bed.

When most people classify themselves as good in bed, they usually mean to intimate they are skilled at pleasuring their partner. That somehow, if you were in a bizarre situation where you must chose a sexual partner from a line up, they should rank higher than the next dude because of experience. I think it's supposed to be a turn on, since it's unlikely to be a fact based on unbiased scientific observation.

This is not at all what I mean.

I am great in bed. Namely, because I am completely and utterly myself. Having sex is like the absolute pinnacle of life somehow (and not in the middle school film strip way teachers mean, though it can be that too I guess. Me, I use condoms.). I am wholly connected to my body, this moment, this planet. I am nothing but the experience. I am euphoric. I am the best version of me there is.

Having an orgasm is the only instance where nothing else exists. No worries, no thoughts, not even a body to be self conscious about. Suddenly it's everything and nothing. Huge and unspeakable. Awe inspiring and mind blowing. Limitless and clear. Like drowning, but more fleeting.

I hope this is what being in space feels like. In my image laden mind, it is what I wish being in a star trek transporter beam is like - everywhere and nowhere, with lots of sparkly tingly world-swallowing calm.

But, this all encompassing intimate release comes with some draw backs (for other people).

It means I can be selfish in bed sometimes. 8 years of doing it on my own before I cracked the seal means I know what I am doing and can be slightly, ahem, direct.

It is insanely addictive and can become a hobby more than an occasional pleasantry.

It also means every neighbour I have ever had hates my guts.

Absolute release and perfect zen freedom, does not come with a mute button.

And it is fucking loud sometimes. Like screaming. You should try it sometime, it's the most amazing feeling.

(as a side note, I am incredibly self conscious when visiting friends and relatives. If I have ever had sex while you are within half a mile, I am bound to behave by a combination of religious shame and emotional guilt (and the grossness). Don't be afraid. But do note, this is also why I am always crabby and intolerant at social gatherings of longer than 3 days. I'm in withdrawl.)

Anyway, my point was, this full body-less experience that I think is what the milky way would feel if it had feelings (and vocal chords), is just sort of part of the deal.

I'm not giving up my 30 second interludes of pure bliss - I have to deal with the rest of the world as soon as I come to. Not for crabby old ladies or your stupid dog. Leave me the fuck alone and buy ear plugs. I'll just pretend it never happened anyway.


But i am not so cold hearted as all that. I do feel bad about it. I do consciously take notice when the neighbours are out, and always go to bed early if I need attention. I am careful.

Which brings us to last night.

We'd had a fight. We made up. In the wee hours of the morning, it turns into make up sex all fumbling in the dark. And just as I was full throttle and seeing stars (for the first time in A WEEK mind you), I started roaring like a banshee. Not on purpose, but then, not entirely un-on-purpose as releasing inhibitions includes any regard for other human life.

Looking back on it, I'm pretty sure he leaned in closer in a conspiratorial whisper, thinking we'd both giggle and snuggle all connected in this accidental faux pas.

But the second the "shhhh" shattered my beautifully unconscious mind I was many things, but not assuaged and and certainly no longer sexy. Mostly angry, hurt, horrified, ashamed, guilty, dirty and betrayed (I've had all day to think about it).

I instantly shoved him away and started sobbing. I have never felt so disgusting.

I have also never realised quite how big a deal it is for me. To be me. To be accepted. To be allowed to let go and yet feel so connected. To have someone love me just as I am (embarrassing as that can be) and then to feel like it was ripped away from me.


It was a complete misunderstanding, and we're fine now. But part of me is still shocked at how raw I was. I guess being that open, intense sorrow is as intoxicating as intense pleasure.

But it was fucking weird. And from now on, I am keeping sex like that for before midnight when it can bother nobody (much) and I can scream til the cows come home, just the way we both like it.