in 25 hours I will be in my parents house.
i cannot wait to be taken care of. but I always worry I look forward to this too much, expect too much, and then am disappointed or guilty or both.
besides, I'm bummed I'm missing Liam's birthday.
i just wish my siblings would be there. otherwise it's just my parents house, a bit on the empty side.
but it's still a hell of a lot better than dodge. i can't wait.
16 February 2009
10 February 2009
25 things
so, I have been thinking about this facebook cult of list making - a hobby after my own heart - and come to the conclusion mine is only half true.
anything i know my parents, high school cousins, colleagues and prospective employers can read better be.
so, here is an addendum if you like.
1. I really liked my midtwenties. now they are over, i feel like things happened - I happened. I am scared I'll stop being ahead of the curve and accomplished for my age and I don't know what comes next.
2. I generally like having sex any time of day but bedtime.
3. I still watch preschool tv. I sometimes think the happy-hippy simplicity and optimism of toddler television got me through middle and high school more than anything else.
4. I hope my siblings will be my best friends until the day I die.
5. Most of the people I know haven't the faintest clue there is more to me than the prim, careful, press conferencing sweater set chick. Some are aware of the latent comic book reading beer glugger. Very few know the deeply insecure housewife. Or the terrified neurotic. or the swearing nympho. or the adventuress. I keep it that way on purpose. I haven't decided yet if it's something I hope to grow out of - this onion seperatism.
6. I am theoretically bisexual. I find the human body, of both genders, positively seductive. But I have never had the hots for any women I know.
7. Since high schools I've always thought weighing 135 would be about right for me. I have no idea if I'll ever find out, I don't care enough to try.
8. I pick my nose
9. Reading books for a living is making me like them less. It's almost become a chore. I can't wait for it to get good again.
10. I think napping in the sunshine is next to godliness
11. knowing the women i know, my awareness of sexual abuse is so heightened, I am haunted by survivors guilt
12. I kind of like my voice better since I had vocal nodes. It's my own somehow.
13. I get deja vu from my dreams all the time. Often those dreams where I am just doing the laundry or putting away the Christmas decorations are more like premonition vingettes - perfectly staged and played out in my real life a few weeks later - same light, same outfit, same order of socks coming out of the dryer. I still don't know how much I subconciously influence this.
14. I could love anybody. Everyone is lovable after all, with the right information and circumstance and match. I told this to Liam very early in our friendship and I think knowing it was on of the reasons he was willing to risk falling in love with me.
15. I ate toast every morning for 2 years and now I've kind of gone off it. I hope it's a temporary hiatus.
16. I think my brother tells stories better than anyone. I still remember the day in high school that I realised this fact, and for a long time it made me hesitant to pipe up, since i'd never be as good.
17. I have old lady bones, I can feel a storm coming. Usually, if I can, I conveniently take up running for about an hour when a big one is on it's way. there is nothing like pounding down the street and the sky opens above you and it's just you, the rain and the road. I usually pretend I didn't know it would happen as people tend to think you're mad for only running to get drenched. But it's so cathardic.
18. I have a hole in my brain function scan from an accident when we were kids. (It's my sisters fault.) But since it's my memory that's effected, I even remember it wrong.
19 I really, really wish I had faith sometimes. It sometimes seems like life would be better for me if I could be religious.
20. I have an incredibly crass sense of humour, but I am extremely private about it. so much so I hate it when people tell bad jokes at parties.
21. I love spending sunny afternoons in empty galleries. I hate the rushing claustrophobia of crowded museums.
22. i can't think of a single thing I eat regularly these days that I would have been able to stomach as a kid, or even in college. I am secretly glad the one thing I'll take back with me when I leave europe is an adventurous palette.
23. i am not sure the feeling of homesickness i have for my siblings will ever go away.
24. i talk in weird voices and badly constructed wordisms all the time. i have to catch myself from up ending the english language in public quite a lot.
25. i love fire.
anything i know my parents, high school cousins, colleagues and prospective employers can read better be.
so, here is an addendum if you like.
1. I really liked my midtwenties. now they are over, i feel like things happened - I happened. I am scared I'll stop being ahead of the curve and accomplished for my age and I don't know what comes next.
2. I generally like having sex any time of day but bedtime.
3. I still watch preschool tv. I sometimes think the happy-hippy simplicity and optimism of toddler television got me through middle and high school more than anything else.
4. I hope my siblings will be my best friends until the day I die.
5. Most of the people I know haven't the faintest clue there is more to me than the prim, careful, press conferencing sweater set chick. Some are aware of the latent comic book reading beer glugger. Very few know the deeply insecure housewife. Or the terrified neurotic. or the swearing nympho. or the adventuress. I keep it that way on purpose. I haven't decided yet if it's something I hope to grow out of - this onion seperatism.
6. I am theoretically bisexual. I find the human body, of both genders, positively seductive. But I have never had the hots for any women I know.
7. Since high schools I've always thought weighing 135 would be about right for me. I have no idea if I'll ever find out, I don't care enough to try.
8. I pick my nose
9. Reading books for a living is making me like them less. It's almost become a chore. I can't wait for it to get good again.
10. I think napping in the sunshine is next to godliness
11. knowing the women i know, my awareness of sexual abuse is so heightened, I am haunted by survivors guilt
12. I kind of like my voice better since I had vocal nodes. It's my own somehow.
13. I get deja vu from my dreams all the time. Often those dreams where I am just doing the laundry or putting away the Christmas decorations are more like premonition vingettes - perfectly staged and played out in my real life a few weeks later - same light, same outfit, same order of socks coming out of the dryer. I still don't know how much I subconciously influence this.
14. I could love anybody. Everyone is lovable after all, with the right information and circumstance and match. I told this to Liam very early in our friendship and I think knowing it was on of the reasons he was willing to risk falling in love with me.
15. I ate toast every morning for 2 years and now I've kind of gone off it. I hope it's a temporary hiatus.
16. I think my brother tells stories better than anyone. I still remember the day in high school that I realised this fact, and for a long time it made me hesitant to pipe up, since i'd never be as good.
17. I have old lady bones, I can feel a storm coming. Usually, if I can, I conveniently take up running for about an hour when a big one is on it's way. there is nothing like pounding down the street and the sky opens above you and it's just you, the rain and the road. I usually pretend I didn't know it would happen as people tend to think you're mad for only running to get drenched. But it's so cathardic.
18. I have a hole in my brain function scan from an accident when we were kids. (It's my sisters fault.) But since it's my memory that's effected, I even remember it wrong.
19 I really, really wish I had faith sometimes. It sometimes seems like life would be better for me if I could be religious.
20. I have an incredibly crass sense of humour, but I am extremely private about it. so much so I hate it when people tell bad jokes at parties.
21. I love spending sunny afternoons in empty galleries. I hate the rushing claustrophobia of crowded museums.
22. i can't think of a single thing I eat regularly these days that I would have been able to stomach as a kid, or even in college. I am secretly glad the one thing I'll take back with me when I leave europe is an adventurous palette.
23. i am not sure the feeling of homesickness i have for my siblings will ever go away.
24. i talk in weird voices and badly constructed wordisms all the time. i have to catch myself from up ending the english language in public quite a lot.
25. i love fire.
04 February 2009
carpe diem!
Part of me wants to keep this as my own little secret for ever because it makes me so happy - but I am almost physically incapable of containing joyous news.
For my birthday, Liam is taking me away. On a secret vacation. He checked my diary and booked the tickets.
All I know is it's we are flying for an overnight (which means no where beyond Europe) at the end of March. On my birthday I get to know where it is.
Copenhagen?
Florence?
Budapest?
Paris?
Gibraltar?
It's like a fucking movie. If it is nowhere exotic, and just a night in a shitty hostel in the Midlands I'd be happy. Even if the plane gets cancelled and we end up in bed for the weekend I love that he planned this for me.
I love surprises. I love travelling. I love the glamour of being whisked away, especially if it's no where in particular. It's like the best present anyone has ever given me.
And now I'll stop, because I'm even making myself a little nautious with all the enthusiasm.
For my birthday, Liam is taking me away. On a secret vacation. He checked my diary and booked the tickets.
All I know is it's we are flying for an overnight (which means no where beyond Europe) at the end of March. On my birthday I get to know where it is.
Copenhagen?
Florence?
Budapest?
Paris?
Gibraltar?
It's like a fucking movie. If it is nowhere exotic, and just a night in a shitty hostel in the Midlands I'd be happy. Even if the plane gets cancelled and we end up in bed for the weekend I love that he planned this for me.
I love surprises. I love travelling. I love the glamour of being whisked away, especially if it's no where in particular. It's like the best present anyone has ever given me.
And now I'll stop, because I'm even making myself a little nautious with all the enthusiasm.
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