eurovision 2009

Eurovision is a unique cultural anomaly. Anyone outside the EU has probably (read: hopefully) never heard of, much less witnessed, this pop-trash array of madness.

However, it's schlocky camp fun and the earnestness of the international competitors are hard to pass up. Plus, I have had so many people in my life who would adore this American Idol/Hands Across America/Its a Small World circus (in gold lame with flame throwers) I feel some small moral obligation to enjoy it for them (in their ignorant, blissful absence).

Let's do this proper interview style.

What is Eurovision?
The eurovision song contest is an annual european competition. Each member state sends a group/band/singer to perform an original musical number. Then, citizens of each country vote on a winner. (there are lots of knock out rounds and by-laws I won't bore you with)

How is that fun?
You have obviously never witnessed the sort of acts that get on here.

My all time favourite was the 2006 winners from Finland.



Orc/Klingon death metal has never been cooler. The winning song was "Hard Rock, Hallelujah!".

There have also be great instances of 'traditional' dancing including clogs, leiderhosen, ukeleles and all manner of props, costumes and madness anyone with half a soul would be amused by.


This year's showstoppers were from the Ukraine. It was cirque do soleil porn.

I can't seem to get the video to load right, but it's well worth it. Trust me - there is ladder dancing, flame spurts, a shitty drum solo - and oh yes, gyrating Spartans in too-short silver loin clothes. The act starts 44 seconds in (after some of the glorious intro blads)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZJdQESnyu4


though this was our favourite of 09, the fire throwing rappers and electric cello playing girl group were also impressively weird.


What does the winner get?
Usually obscure european fame, but sometimes they become major success stories.

Case and point:



or



or even




She's not european!
There are some minor loopholes for descendants or people with ties to different
countries. It is highly competitive and there is always chat of politics and cheating.

How can something so inane be so political?
Well there is a commonly held belief in the west that all balkans flock together. Scandiavia notoriously votes internally. Tiny countries almost always vote for their bigger, powerful neighbours. Plus, things like the huge UK ex-pat community in Greece can swing the vote. There is much speculation on border hopping (as in driving across the state line) just for the voting too.

It's a big incestuous nightmare wrapped up in gold lame and spandex really.


So how does Eurovision work?
Each country selects their 'act' by voting, concerts, tv performance- what have you (I'll tell you about britains legendary 2009 attempt later.)

Several knock out rounds across Europe lead to the eventual 26 nations performing in the finals - broadcast live on BBC One and other major tv stations across the continent (snippy commentary now by the oh so patriotic Graham Norton).

During the designated portion of the show (usually during a cringe worthy tour of the host country with staged bad jokes that out do the Oscars) any person in any country can call in their vote. Then, a representative from each country casts the top three majority votes for points (12 points for 1st, 10 for 2nd, 8 for 3rd).

They call out each countries vote live on tv (a gruelling hour of bad hair and green screen backdrops of European moments amounting to "Hello, this is Azerbijan calling. Our votes go to..." (and yes, Azerbijan is a country). There are 43 countries in total I think. This part is mindbendingly boring.

Does everyone sing in English then?
Usually yes - most countries think this caters to the widest audience and play for votes by singing in the common tongue. except the french who always sing in french I assume as some weird protest.

Jesus. How long has this madness been going on?
Since the 50s. It was some post-war rekindling european ties initiative. New countries seem to get added all the time. The worst is Portugal who had their 45th year in the competition this year and they have never won.

But then of course, last year Britain came last which was shockingly embarassing.

Oh yeah, what was that about Britains tragic madness this year?
Generally the UK, and much of the west, dont take this too seriously. It's mediocre artists no one has ever heard of singing stupid songs (once it was, I kid you not, a dance number based on airline stewardesses - they even mimed the hand motions.).

But lots of countries send their biggest pop stars. It's like a huge honour. Someone this year was Malta's best selling artist- another was the eastern european opener for the Rolling Stones. It's a big deal.

So, when we came last in 08, something had to be done.

Enter Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Why he cared so much I know not (bruised national pride seems daft in this context), but he launched a nationwide search for the 09 entry - culminating in his own show Eurovision: Your Country Needs You, an American Idol style tv show. It was fucking insane (and unwatchable.).

anyway, so he found some down and out belter who was made a star. She did a huge promo tour, it was the light of his life. She still came fifth, and if I'm honest she has some pipes, but his song totally blew (he even played the piano on stage with her, the toad faced git). It was truly truly weird.

Wow, that doesn't make any sense at all. Eurovision is a kettle of loons
Ah, but that is the beauty of eurovision. Snarky commentary, ridiculous dance numbers, too much swedish beer (and weird foreign candy). it's like the best sleep over party you never had.

Eurovision rocks. i only wish we could institute a state-by-state american version.