so as you may have noticed, i've been in a bit of a funk lately.
not only because spring is not the endless joy and relief i had hoped due to work pressure, living tedium and the worry and doubt that comes with life-altering decisions. but because i am a little bit in mourning and a little bit homesick
and also because my hormonal overdrive has reared it's ugly head again. i'm managing to eat this time, but the bleeding and pain are back to their usual tricks and i've barely made it to work the last couple of days.
but, just because my vision is tunneled to the horrors and sorrow, does not mean daily life has not been without pleasant surprises, domestic bliss and incidential joy which i will now catalgoue for your edification and to cheer myself up.
...
and i warn you now, this is will most likely be sickening displays of affection and googlyness because i seriously am desperately in love with someone who is good to me and i relish every minute of it (except when it's really crap, and even then a little bit).
oh, and they are probably totally lame too.
ahem.
- my friend catriona (katrina to you, weirdo scots and their gaelic spellings) just had twins. they are perfect little packets of brown squshy joy - not that i have squished them or anything. just oogled them on flickr.
- hot scot has resurfaced. went to a poncy gig of his last week. he was disappointingly smarmy on stage, but one of the bands was good so liam and i danced in the shadows. i've had a quirky little song in my head all week. if you're on myspace, look up zoey van goey and listen to "two white ghosts".
and i can't pretend i didn't get some small joy out of him seeing me happy with someone else, but mostly i just realized how i was having a much better time giggling in the dark and tickling in the corner than i would have keeping up the banter and the drinking and the twittery maybe-babying up in front until dawn. (plus, new gossip tells he's just been caught in a stationary cupboard fucking one of his creative writing students. how cliche and slightly sad. still, he is a nice guy, and a bit of a laugh and not at all a bad writer. i'm just glad i didn't sleep with him. )
- "sara m. grady you have unsuspected depth". not only does liam quote the philadelphia story in bed, but my god, i am profoundly deep because i have psychically ascertained he strong desire for toast with honey on, and acquired said breakfast unbidden.
- saturday night, ill and decrepid (okay, i was bleeding and he was hungover. shut up.), somehow we ended up doing online quizzes. but i filled one out as him and he did the same for me. As an ultimate greek hero he is Achilles, but I am guessing more in the vengegfully brooding but slightly sombre brad pitt way rather than the proper bad ass but totally gay way. And as a supervillian I am apparently Mystique -although sometimes motherly, this deadly vixen is not to be triffled with. ace.
- he confessed he likes when i inadvertently whisper 'i love you' in the dexter voice.
- in the same conversation my mother tells me uncle richard died (although to be fair, she never said. it was more
'i have something to tell you'
' i already know'
' oh. oh dear. how?'
' i can hear it in your voice'
' oh (sob). i'm sorry. i've been trying to be so...')
we also discuss how i hated her for making me move schools as a kid, how happiness is an unlikely companion, and how we feel about our family.
i also tell her liam and I are moving in together. and although she does say "so as roomates or friends or is this like a romantic thing?" at first (sigh), but she 1, does not give me a lecture 2, does not get quiet and judgemental 3, does not grill me within an inch of my existence. it was nice.
sidenote: i think liam is relieved i've told them (i think he secretly finds my unpredictable, utterly mad and slightly traditional parents and dauntingly large tightknit family a bit of a stress. i've promised him we can stay in a hotel when we visit america if they still insist on the seperate bedrooms business. we'll both need a cuddle after that day, no matter how well it goes or how nice everyone is.)
anyway, it was two hours of chatter while i sat alone in a dingy pub eating a juciy burger, a pint of lager, and proper thick cut chips thinking it was the perfect time for both of those conversations. and secretly i am glad i have told them now too.
i know she misses me. and i miss her. and we'll talk again sometime this summer probably.
- on sunday, we went to the beach. a shady little seaside town on the edge of the city, but i needed to say goodbye properly. the summer before i moved here was the last time i saw richard. he was already with a cane, but his eyes still sparkled. and as we played our last hand of gin he told me of the time he had a day's shore leave in Edinburgh when stationed in the north sea for the canadian navy. about seeing the city and remembering it's coastline, and his first step on land in so many months.
so i went and watched the waves and ships. the sea and sky and sand that have remained unchanged. watched the unfaltering skyline of mountains and castle and remebered him the way i loved him. distantly. but deeply, and fondly. and it felt right.
- everyday i walk home through the tuliped castle gardens and cherry blossom orchard. it's a hour detour out of my day, but i come home feeling so much better than had i got the grimy old bus past the strip clubs and betting shops.
- and i know you don't want to hear this, it's the last one. and it sounds a little crap, but last night, in violent pain and sickening delirium, i tossed and wailed and tried not to utterly breakdown, throw up, or otherwise cave to the mounting war in my body and all he said was "we'll get through this you know. i know you feel you're at odds with your body. i know this is hard. but your my sara. and you're not a burden. let me take care of you." and held my hand. and brought me my stripy hot water bottle (whom we have named Isobel), and sat me between his knees and said "i read it's helpful if i massage your ovaries" and rubbed my tummy until i fell asleep in his arms. and when I didn't want to cry from the pain anymore a little piece of me wanted to cry anyway because of the gentle kindnesses i've been given. because i feel loved.
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