okay

for the first time in a long time I feel satisfied.

a tiny little piece of me is worried I'll lose sight of the bigger ennui, but i am just so happy to be alive. to be me. to be living this life. it's like falling in love all over again.

here are good things that happened this week:
- i went out with my friends. for the first time in I dont know how long. And yes, most of my friends are kids lit people - because we all live the job - but it was just so good to suck long islands and relax. I forgot what it was like to unwind after work instead of rushing home to put on the dinner.

- i watched enchanted. (we bought it with our christmas money.) not only do I love the ceaseless, unabashed joy of ironic disney - but the fact Liam loves it as much as I do is like some secret miracle. who could have guessed?

- i was interviewed at parliament by a bunch of seventh graders for their local radio station. it was amazing. they were so professional, but also so young and hopeful and although it was weird to be seen as that important, it also felt great to be involved and engaged and matter.

- i ate 5 fruit and veg every day. it helps more than you would think.

- i bought my plane ticket. i am going to visit my parents. just for a time-out. no hooplah, just naps. i cannot wait - even though i feel a bit guilty leaving liam here since he can't take time off to come too. (i think most of the guilt is because i am relieved i don't need ot look after him in the weirdness of Okemos, I can just let go and be looked after myself)

- i started a book group. it may come to nothing, but i like having things to look forward to. and my sister is the only person I know who loves reading like I do. it's one of the few emotions I captured well back on d-x I still miss it a little when I think of those entries.

- i bought a shitty, cheap chandelier- and when I say chandelier I mean dangly plastic-crystal in twirly spirals light bulb cover - for the front hall. it cheers me up no end.

- i worked my ass off. not because i should have or I had deadlines. but I had work I wanted to do, so I worked 10, 11 hour days to do it. And when I was done, I left. It feels purposeful to choose. And also, to fight now to make room for my vacation home means I am working to my timeline, my world - instead of the other way around - and it is so liberating.

so yeah, it's not so bad.