So, perhaps it's this time of year, or the fact I'm having a tough time of it, but I have been more than a little retrospective lately. Feeling nostalgic, missing people I've not thought of in months or even years. Suddenly remembering random occurrences and long lost feelings I'd half-forgotten I ever had.
like i'd cryogenically frozen moments in time for later use, and now they are all de-ziploc'ed and it is simultaneously awesome, and totally trying my patience.
And while a certain nostalgic charm often graces my empty thoughts, I have never before felt guilty or shy.
I have written previously on the value of falling for someone you already know and like and the pitfalls of finding yourself lost inbetween friend and girlfriend, feeling undervalued in both.
This habit of mate/crush has been a mainstay of my social existence, mostly because I'm not sure I know any other way to do it - a point i hope to rectify in my as-yet-un-written bible of adolescence and all the other shit no one ever explained properly.
And now, feeling nostalgic and reminiscent, my tendency to relive old memories and call old friends out of the blue, has a slightly more loaded context. Or at least in my head it does.
Of course I can call, reconnect and event reacquaint myself with old friends when ever I like, whether single or committed. Only an idiot would think I'd forsaken all my past lives for this one.
But to randomly email, or run into an old pseudo-crush is infinitely weird somehow. If it was actually an ex, it would be completely normal, and completely over. But when nothing ever really happened (and i can't even remember now if I actually wanted it to), it means I don't really know what protocol to follow.
Here is the kind of internal monologue that can run through my head:
Can I still banter? Is that allowed? Is that a mixed signal? Am I capable of bantering without flirting? Because I really don't want to flirt. I really don't want to make this weird. Or confusing. God I hope he doesn't think I'm flirting. But then, if I am markedly unlike my old self, that must be weird too. Do I seem stand offish? Because I am really glad this happened. I just don't want it to be weird. I am being so weird. I am ruining it. I wish I could just say 'sorry i don't know how to be friends with you because secretly, all those other times, I was just trying to impress you/make out/get laid. And i don't want that anymore (sorry), but I still think you'e a cool guy. Do you think we could work this out somehow? sorry I'm such an idiot."
I suddenly feel like i'm in high school all over again. Every hair flick and eye movement is supposed to mean something, but i haven't the faintest clue what, and I am paralyzed I'll accidentally convey something I didn't mean.
I'm mostly blowing it out of proportion. But i guess my history and habits are on my mind, and its' the one thing Liam and I never talk about. And half of me doesn't know how to bring it up, and half of me doesn't know what to say if I did. And either way, I'm not sure he wants to hear all of it. (the part where I have slept with people I still count among my friends, some we've even had over. the part where I have done stupidly stupid things and hurt myself. the part where i don't know how to have male friends, and i miss it, and i don't know what to do with myself.) Which is just horrible of me. Horrible and selfish.
It is a coincidence we're exactly on the two year mark? Have I always been this scared and only now just realised?
I am such an idiot. I think it's time I figured some shit out.
4 comments:
unsolicited advice: from experience, no matter how painful, it's better to be completely open and honest about things. It sucks sometimes, but it makes things ultimately better. Lighter, free-er and closer. It's silly, but true... Tell him the things you're most scared to say- you'll feel better. It's not so dark and scary as it seems to open the doors to the past and let him see you. love, K
I'm with Kate.
And I totally know how you feel. Bantering with a former crush is totally awkward. I usually do my best to avoid interacting with them.
too true.
we had a bit of a talk last night. and the thing is, he just doesn't care. he is one of these anomalous unconditionally loving people that figures what ever happened before is what made me what i am, and that's all that matters. he actually has no interest what so ever in my previous life, which somehow makes it weird for me. he says he is happy to listen when ever I figure out what it is I wanted to say. that is enough I don't feel like i am hiding, but I still can't figure out why I feel like i need to confess. it's demented.
I feel like I need to confess, too! Probably because compared to Jason, I am a harlot. But, like Liam, he just doesn't care. He says that I'm with him and my commitment to him makes any past indiscretions not matter. This is why I love him. If the tables were turned, I would be terribly critical and judgmental.
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