bleak

Some times life is just big. Things, for good or ill, feel significant. Heavy.

Liam and I are entering a whole new version of being together, which is a great joy - but if I am honest, also fucking scary. I have never been one for the touchy feely, the true confession of truth. the whole open honest reality of commitment is making my inner demons antsy. suddenly forever isn't just a word. and i am not sure i like it.

I am worried about my sister. I miss her so much. I so want someone to talk to.

My job is hard. I am contstantly being strained to the point of breaking and the idea of beginning another bout of battles makes me want to run instead of thrilling me with promise. It's truly sad to be admitting maybe now I have what I wanted, it isn't what i thought it would be.

Or maybe it's just the dolumpy stress of a wet frozen january in a place with no snow and an ever gray skyline. Perhaps when it is daylight as I walk to work my mood will lighten too - I can't hope to have it anything but the pitchest black at 4pm for months. And perhaps as I begin a new chapter (with a new festival, looking for a new house, and beginning a new year madly in love) it'll get easier. I'll get better at being me.

But, in other news, I am temporarily heartened by the joy of Enchanted- one of the stupidest, sweetest movies I have ever seen. I was skeptical, but ironic disney is truly better than I thougt it could be. And we have been humming and skipping about ever since. It's the perfect cure to the winter doldrums.