the wrath of babes

so i am sick of my twenty-first century whinging and endless lists. It's like those late episodes of a good sitcom where the premise no longer works and it wasn't clever enough to handle self-reflexive irony.

and like any true sitcom, i am introducing a spunky child to boost ratings and liven up a deadly saturday line-up. But unlike my 80s predecessors, through a twist of fate (and a minor time warp), the child is me.



doodle-loodle-loo, doodle-loodle-loo, doodle-loodle-loo...

you know how your brother is totally annoying and scribbles on your bestest ballerina drawing with the red slippers? or that time your sister totally used the blue power rangers slurpee cup from k-mart even though she knew billy was your favorite? remember when mom forgot to call you in sick so once again you have to grovel to the principal about your family's minor mishaps and get him to unfail you from world history due to absence?

you know what totally is the best emotional release for this? and no, i dont mean counting to ten, yoga, volunteering with the girl scouts or making macaroni mecklaces for grandma.

concoccting poison.

just sneak out into the yard while mom makes spaghetti and gather a few simple ingredients:

- a strong stick stripped of leaves and twigs for stirring
- dirt
- water (if you can unkink the hose)
- leaves - especially maple since they crack and get gooey
- pine needles and/or twigs
- any flower petals available
- those red squishy berries often found on old lady hedg
- a brick

to prepare deadly poison potion:
- gather the berries into a pile on the pavement. smash them with a brick repeatedly until the sidewalk runs red with their blood. this sacrfice is cathardic and symbolic.
- add dirt and water until it is a thick nasty paste and imagine force feeding it to said sister until she chokes.
- add pine needles for texture and leaves if needed
- flutter flower petals daintily over the top to decorate
- then smash their pretty little faces with the brick, thus metaphorically destroying all that is pure and innocent in your wake

- scrape onto a big flat leaf
- visualize serving it either open-faced or perhaps rolled like a taco.
presentation is everything, use your imagination!


...doodle-loodle-loo, doodle-loodle-loo, doodle-loodle-loo.



this is something i actually used to do as a small child to curb my fury. i saw those berries today and wished i could again, but alas - no bricks.

sometimes i worry for little me and want to wrap her up and make her unpsycho.

and sometimes i cant help but laugh that i thought the geeky ranger was hot.