hope

So, let's be honest. Christmas with the pseudo-in-laws is hard. Cheerful, joyous, full of generosity and warm feelings of seasonal joy. But also too much everything and not enough sleep (who gets up at 6 every morning during vacation? who?!). Plus serious, black, homesickness.

But in the mess, somehow Liam and I found each other. Being away from home, where we were held and fed and looked after, we spent our spare minutes and long country drives dreaming of better. Making plans. Believing in a future, and that we could build a life we wanted. It was all so hopeful. And together. It felt so real, so possible.

And literally, the second we got home the rest of the world came crashing down and we were fighting within minutes. Money and deadlines and pressures we had actually almost forgotten in the fuzzy, holiday of make believe.

We are trying so hard. So hard to remember. To keep believing. To keep holding onto the fact that we will get out - leave this godforsaken city, with choices ahead of us, a future together.

But if I'm honest (and let's pretend I'm good at that for a minute), I'm terrified too. I don't want this life. I know we will find something. But walking away from the only life I've ever had that wasn't dependent on my parents - the only job I've held for more than a few months because I really believed in it (though my current passion is questionable), leaving the only city I know inside and out, have built a home in.

It's fucking scary. I know in someways Liam wanting to leave tomorrow is because it's a brave confession of how hollow this life is. But it also feels like running away. And I don't have anywhere to run. I'm not sure I want to run directionless, I'd rather decide, and have something to look forward to.

I will build up the courage to walk away - to start over again, to try omething new. But I have no idea what I would do, where we would go. And part of me isn't ready to jump ship.

It's weird we want exactly the same thing. But somehow the timeline feels all screwed up. I know we're looking for the same life, but maybe the getting there is going to be hard since now, then and inbetween is all a bit hazy.

I don't even know what I'm saying. I think it stung when he asked if I was serious about leaving. Because I am. But I didn't know we meant today. I thought we'd have a plan first. And I guess being scared is making me stall.

Fucking hell being a grown up is hard.