back again.

I have been home for 3 days. 3 whole days of my own bed, my own Liam, my own life.

After a month on the road and on three different continents, it was all I hoped for. Counting the minutes til I could call home - the hours til I boarded the next plane. Here and now anchored me when the world turned upside down and I went from high to high on the press junket, keeping the tears for the non descript hotel bed after.

And it was awesome. It was. I met Neil Gaiman at a party in a crypt. I dipped my toes in the Tasmanian Sea. I went to the gay wedding in a castle of two people I love. I danced at one of my best friend's weddings, sick as a dog but in a fucking killer Rocketeer dress. I witnessed my first interesting and not entirely mediocre poetry slam and saw Ned Kelly's actual armour.

I went and did and saw and learned. It was inspiring, amazing, exciting and intoxicating. And the whole time I just secretly wanted to come home.

So here I am. Home. Safe. Done. And now I sadly have to face the rest of my life. And it's not the rainbows and lollipops one can squint and pretend with from across the world.

It's debt. Massive debt. It's mice. And rent. It's moving complications and Liam's unemployment. It's dirty socks and soggy towels.

If I'm honest, it's just aweful.

at least it's real. I've spent a month touring about, laughing politely and drinking too much champagne. with no deadlines, no curfews, no expectations. but the whole time I yearned for solid, honest to goodness real. for truth.

the problem is the real world is dirty and hard and gray and wet and sad. and cold. so cold. scotland is a sad place full of sad people, and I am just another schmuck counting the days until I get out again.

We hate our lives. I don't like my job. We are hugely in debt and in a place we don't want to be anymore. And we can fix it. We can. But it'll take time and energy, which I unashamedly and ludicrously object to.

I think mostly I just wanted the world to pause with me - and to give me two inches of breathing room before dumping credit cards and dead house plants on my happy reunion and homecoming. but the thing with the real world is, you can't just make it up. it's already happening.