opportunity costs

today I got the call of a lifetime. and it couldn't have been worse timing.

things are busy.

there have been delightful moments (a dvorak concert at the castle with synchronised fireworks and a picnic of strawberries and french cider), there have been hard moments (the debilitating pain of the last few days of the festival), and then there is the rest of life. which i tend to brush over.

now that thing I spent the last 11 months plannig is over. I am a little hollow, a little worn, and a little bit terrified that the rest of the world keeps going, assuming i am still a functioning being when I am out of steam, out of enthusiasm, and pretty much drifting about like a ghost.

Today, I am taking tally of my autumn - being prepared helps me feel less fractured.

Next week, I need to close this Festival. Sign off budgets, send thank you notes, debrief with the staff.

And then Friday I head home for a relaxing holiday/wedding extravaganza. A delightful oxymoron I've been looking forward to for over a year now.

After the dust settles, it's two weeks back at work getting my head on and preparing the vision for the next year with large amounts of research, meetings and planning.

Then, in mid-October I am in London for two whole weeks of meetings with publishers, charities, galleries and partners in a world of schmoozing, business and busy London life.

So, after one week of full on London - then of course, the middle weekend I am dashing to Kent for Liam's mom's gay wedding at a castle, which will be a hoot and a half Then back to London for another 5 days of madness.

Then, that Friday I am jumping on a plane to Chicago for a quick weekend of Anika's black tie Chicago wedding. Which will be amazing, but so so busy and so much jetlag and so much work to catch up on.

And today I got the call of a lifetime.

The following Tuesday, I am due back in Edinburgh by 8am.

I have been asked if I'd like to head a contingency of literati for a conference/tour of here and Australia as an international collective of arts workers looking to the future.

It is a dream gig.

But can I realistically say I can jump off one plane and onto another bound for Melbourne until 16 November (bearing in mind I won't have been at my desk for a month and my programme still needs legs)?

It's fucking insane. But it's also impossible to turn down. I have always wanted to go to Australia. To go, doing what i do best, and seeing the world as a cultural ambassador with the prospect of international collaboration and a whole new vision is really not the kind of thing one gets asked to do (on a full free ride) everyday.

But can I abandon this life for that length of time? Can i really tell Liam I am disappearing for the better part of a month and not expect that to have reprecussions? Do I want to be my job, or do I want to come home?

Sigh...

Today is not the day for decisions.

If I feel better later, I'm going to the gala opening of Bond Bound - an exclusive exhibition of the original 007 book covers and charity auction. But you know what? I might not. And for once, I am totally okay with not going to something just because I can and it'll make a good story later. My psyche is too important for that. I have a lot of shit to sort out.