lost

Today, I feel aweful. Somedays I just don't know how other people are even walking around much less being nice to each other or eating healthy or saving orphans.

As I shuffled home from a grueling day at work, my eyes glazed on the middle distance, I wondered what had gone so wrong. Where was I? Because I sure as hell wasn't in my body living my life.

I took a picture to record this feeling. And I didn't even recognise me. I looked like this:




I tried to look objectively, at this washed out, dried up, hollow shell of a person and wonder what happened. Not really what's wrong, because lord knows I'm not leaving my job or giving up on the lifetime's worth of social functions and stress bandying about at the minute (this isn't about problems I told myself, it's about solutions).

So I asked, what is missing in this photo? Apart from a bad hair cut, tired clothes and an over all dismal walk to imbibe everyday, there is no person there.

So I detoured. I walked barefoot through a graveyard I'd not visited in a while. I stopped to listen to the trains whistling below my feet. I looked up at the castle and tried to guess how tall it was.

Because the thing that is missing is me. What do I do? What do I enjoy? What am I looking forward to? When do I do the things I love?

I suddenly don't have answers for these, and that revelation is a great sadness.


I want to look like this again:



This was only 3 weeks ago. Chucking down rain, horrible cramps, no sleep, staying with the psuedo-in-laws. But a whole person, a contentment shines out (although it is quite a terrible picture of liam)

I want to feel like this:


This was a lifetime ago, or three years anyway.

And I just don't feel the magic anymore.