blue stars

i just had a big cry.

i don't know why the holidays still make me emotional. and emotional in that completely incoherent and ridiculous 'i am so wronged. is this all there is to life?' way that is like being 15 again.

maybe its the stress.

i know i shouldn't. i know it's nothing, and no matter what, the things that matter dont change. That no matter what, cuddling on my sofa and even making a travesty of the traditional dinner in my first attempt, will be heartwarming and wonderful. But when things are just right - the moment happens - it is so good, i spend an inordinant amount of time trying to make it happen when i know in my heart it just doesnt work that way.

so i have spent a good week trying to make myself a christmas. one i want to live. one to be proud of. and mostly one that will take my mind off of texas.

now, i can safely say, a holiday in a hot, dry, huge, place like texas is about the least joyous i'll ever know. and a christmas without liam gives me a pang.

but a grady congregation without me always makes me sad. and homesick.

and yes, often annoyed no one calls me back or my parent's don't even send a present. like they are too busy having fun to remember me.

so sometimes it feels like they don't even notice i am gone.

and as ludicrous as i know that is, from far away on my own i can almost convince myself its true and it makes me hurt a little.

so, cue the waterworks and bit of a bridget jones moment. at least it gets it out of my system.

and now, i am cuddled under my aunt monica quilt with our Christmas Cat (more on her later), with hot cocoa, emailing my cousin stephanie and holding on to the important things.

because what really matters is we are safe, we are sound. we are whole and we are well. we are not bleeding, we are not broken. not bumped or bruised. we don't need a doctor and we don't need a hospital. we are all okay, wherever we are. and my heart is full to bursting.