done me in

so i've finally crashed. all that stuff that's been freaking me out? well, it ate away at me until there was nothing but acid and bile left and last night i almost fainted in a jacket potato shop.

rewind. let's review shall we?

monday was tired (sunday day with liam then midnight roof picnic tuckered me out) and had a goodbye with mandy. she left for greece and now her room is empty and i miss coming home to bitch together and watch costume dramas.

but, then had fabulous bookfestival party. lots of champagne, amazing dress and everyone i know. in fact, ended up with keith and hot scot, like so many nights before, where keith decided hot scot's girlfriend, who isnt george glass of leeds after all, is so not good enough (she is a little on the dowdy school teacher side) and his personal mission is to do her in and convince him i'm much better. which of course i am, but it is still sweet of keith to say it. still, another night of no sleep.

tuesday was work. wretched. it's become so corportate we are no longer allowed to carry pens that aren't blue black or red. seriously. soon i wont be able to have decent novels either.

then that night had to have people round to see the flat. seriously, i had to advertise online and everything. it blew. but they were all nice and sonja came for emotional support and apple crumble, and now Catriona is moving in next week to grow herbs in the garden and take walks with.

then liam called (his family is in town and that stress of hosting plus incongruous limbo of tourism at home freaked him) so he came over and we cuddled until we both felt better. better than sleep, but still, no sleep.

wednesday work was equally crap and i didnt feel well. i rallied tolerably for girly movie night (newsies!!!) but when we were watching the extras after and he called, i suddenly wanted to be home in bed more than anything.

so jules and i left, i called him back, he came over and we spent all night curled together whispering secrets and feeling the edges of each other.

but, i was so stressed about leaving and movings and work and kate and everything all at once my brain was going a mile a minute. plus the added anxiety of someone next to me. to feel my every move. to ache to hold. generally i have been of the up and out mentality and this whole togethering thing threw me for a loop and rest illuded me.

and (and if you ever tell anyone this i'll deny it) in the safety of the dark i admitted the only thing that makes my brain shut up is really loud sex. and although we had decided we aren't ready for full on sex, he was certainly more than obliging. i almost screamed and after that felt much much calmer.

i called in sick to work thursday. i hadnt slept, my stomach was being worse, i might be starting my period, i'd just spent the night on pretty much a mental roller coaster and the last thing i needed were more office dramas and corporate bullshit.

i slept and made lists and lolled about in bed. in the afternoon he came back, better rested, and we napped and goofed off and planned on going to a friends leaving do.

we were hours late. we hadn't eaten all day. i was feeling worse.

with kate and julian we decided to get dinner. a foursome i've grown accustomed to. one i will miss now he is leaving. but i looked at my jacket potato with vegtable curry and was ill.

my hearing went, my vision was spotted, i blanched and couldnt hold my head up.

i went out to the fresh(er) air of cockburn street and liam rubbed my back and plied me with water until i could see straight.

i said my forever goodbye to julian with my head between my knees and his hand on my shoulder. it was ridiculous. but overly dramatic and retarded seems to be my calling card. they went on their way, back to his party, and liam stroked my back until i could stay upright.

then we caught a taxi where i slept with my head in his lap, until i got home. he put me to bed and insisted he go get bread and important things i will need. he came back later with beautiful flowers and my favourite juice and rubbed my back til i fell asleep.

he says he loves me. and he's been so wonderful i am inclined to believe it for all of our weirdness. and i woke up this morning missing him.

i don't pretend it's not weird. and broken. i know we both really need somebody right now in all the ever changing mess. and have no idea if it will stay this way when he goes to school and i sort out my bullshit.

but it is so wonderful to have someone to hold and to hold me. and the promise of us is so very very good. so, i know i'll deserve flack. but right now i am happy. like it'll be okay.

so wait to shoot me for being blind and mushy. wait until i'm ready to give this up.