pick up the phone when no one is home. dial the number on the descreet business card.
ring ring. ring ring.
"you have reached the GUM clinic. please enter your password
"your results from the 10th of March are in
"they are as follows
"if you have any questions at anytime press 1 to talk to a member of clinical staff
"please hold the line just so we can torment you with anticipation (aka dread)
"your results for
"cervical gonorrhea are negative
"cervical herpes are negative
"cervical chlamydia are negative
"hiv are negative
"weird shit you have never heard of but is probably like aubergines or lorries or some british shit is negative.
"thank you for calling the GMU results hotline. have a nice day."
hang up.
try not to shake as your life flashes before your eyes.
that is the shit they should scare teens with. no more tracy gold videos. just straight up disconcertingly calm and slightly robotic phone women who may or may not tell you you are going to die of AIDS.
i am glad i am not all the same.
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