day at the beach today. fucking freezing, but still very sweet of him to take my bloated pms'y self to the shore for a breather from town and a picnic.

food

we all know I love food. a lot. in many, many different ways.

so it's no surprise houseguests bring on a bout of change and something a little special. but it was shocking how much crap jennie and I ate last week. more sugar than i imagine either of us have had in years. and goodness did I feel it.

so, now it's time to clear out, clean up and get back on schedule.

it's funny, but until I started eating The Old Way (late night pizza, munching on ready made treats, tons of sugar) I didn't realise quite how far I'd drifted from it.

So, as an experiment, I am going to write down everything I eat for the next week. I have no idea if it'll be The Old Way, or what I suppose is The New Way, but based on the feedback our guts were giving (which was audible) I think I'll know it when I eat it.


Wednesday
chicken nuggets (5)
apple cinnamon tea

wild rice with broccoli, tomatoes, peas & bells peppers
juice box (apple)

smoothie (blackberry & cherry)

cornbread roll with lots of honey (homemade)

gnocchi with sage butter
green beans (steamed)

chocolate cupcake (half, no icing)



Thursday
cornbread roll w a tiny bit of honey
smoothie
rosebud & camomile tea

chocolate cupcake (the other half)

juice box (apple)
herby oatcakes (5)

(only now it's written down do I see what an odd list this is going to become...)


broccoli, pepper, tofu & edamame stir fry with egg noodles

a slice of raspberry victoria sponge

Friday
chicken nuggets (5)
smoothie

camomile tea

half a pink grapefruit with a bit of sugar
corn bread roll

savoury cashew & pumpkin seed mix (handful)
juice box (apple)

1 bite of the aforementioned cake.

the chick pea curry I invented tonight
with a garlic & coriander naan

I bought myself flowers for my birthday.

Big, fluffy yellow and orange mums and daisies.

I can see them peeking out of the living room window when I'm walking home.

They make me so happy.

a lance for hire

So going freelance seems easy - and the work is, but all the other stuff is quite a truckload of crapola.

If I am my own company, I am the marketer, designer, accountant, bookkeeper - and perhaps most importantly, tax payer. Things normal offices have staff for. Things that take up a lot of time and effort sorting out (until I make enough to justify getting fancy accountancy webernet stuffs, an exhorbitant expense for where I am at right now).

So all of a sudden I am spending my evenings formatting invoices and logging my hours and creating spreadsheets for my expenses.

I need a filing system. And a paper bag. stat.

promises

Remember how last year we had to go get ourselves a pseudo-marriage-visa?

It was kind of a big thing.

While we will get married (and we discuss it at length, now it may be one of our only narrow windows to get him into the States), it's not yet. We can't afford it for a start.

BUT, the promise we did make still matters. a lot. (even if we refer to it as pre-engaged. though, I am no Egg. And he is no George Michael)

We wondered how to mark this moment. To trace the days where we still were committed, even if it wasn't quite the same thing.

And we decided to get each other rings as our Christmas present. Not wedding bands or even an engagement ring, but something that fit us. That worked for right now.

Today we got them. It's not flashy, or fancy. But we saw them in a jewelers, two in the window, side by side - and magically, just the right fit for our two fingers. Like it was meant to be. Serendipity.

They aren't awesome enough to say all the things I mean (though I tried among the snowdrops and the clanging churchbells and sunshine this morning when I slipped it on his finger), but they look a bit like this.

And I couldn't be happier.

I have decided to have drinks, to mark my leaving of this life.

And all of a sudden I've invited almost 200 people in this city.

I guess being marginally famous means I know a lot of folk.

I even have a snazzy website to keep track of rsvp's and generally stalk my guests with pie charts and status updates and everything.

Also I am quite proud of my silly little invite. See what I did there?

Have a look here

Self Employed

There are many hard and weird things about jumping ship.

The sorrow I expected, the freedom seemed promising.

But now, when days stretch before me with everything and nothing to do, it's a little daunting, and on occasion more than a little upsetting.

Going freelance means flexible.

It means I am in charge.

It means I only take work I want.

(except when in a fit of panic, I say yes to anything because I am terrified of the gas bill - which happens more than I'd like to admit)

It also means no rules. I set my own deadlines. I'm the only one checking up on me. When it's work I'm none too keen on, it's like having a toddler in my brain.

Plus, the whole reason I left work was to have time. to stop. to think. to do NOTHING. to have filled my weeks with laundry, dusting, email, facebook, and piles of work means I'm doing exactly the opposite.

I'm avoiding my life, because honestly, I don't know what I'm going to find. I know it's time to clear the rubble. Harvest the good and bin the rest.

But I don't know what goes in which pile.

Not being sure of what I'm about to lose is making it a scarier proposition than I expected.

I finish work today.

Which means right now I am clearing out my office.

And I keep finding email exchanges like this:


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Blackwell - Edinburgh
Sent: 06 August 2007 08:34
To: Sara
Subject: Dime


I got a dime in my change this morning. I think I will keep it.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Sara
Sent: 06 August 2007 10:08
To: Blackwell - Edinburgh RBS
Subject: RE: Dime


Oh the buds of cotton. Brings a tear to my eye. Besides, it's worth 5p, it looks like 5p. Who's really going to care?

S


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Blackwell - Edinburgh RBS
Sent: 06 August 2007 10:13
To: Sara
Subject: RE: Dime


It's cute. Who's that guy on the back?

Also, not your problemo but I tried to RSVP for the Opening Party and the email got returned to me cos the address doesn't work
Maybe you should try it out before passing it on to someone cos it might just be me being silly...

So, after the weekend, do you now have 3 moms?




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Sara
Sent: 06 August 2007 10:18
To: Blackwell - Edinburgh RBS
Subject: RE: Dime


It's Eisenhower I think but I don't remember.

The email should work now, it was just down for a bit. Party should be quite the gig. 500 people last year apparently. And a roving band. Last night was at the fringe do behind Cargo. Pissing it down, but the drag queens didn't mind. I met the Hollywood designer the tiny designer in the Incredibles was made after. She had her Oscar in her arms but wouldn't let anyone touch it.

And yes, we had brunch in bodacious and then wandered to the bethany shop where they bought us a bookcase as a housewarming present (to go with the harvey nics champagne!). I think I have been accepted. It's official. I was invited to their civil cermony, that makes me family right?

S



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Blackwell - Edinburgh RBS
Sent: 06 August 2007 13:13
To: Sara
Subject: RE: Dime

I hope you are recording your life in some way.

change.

Big is a relative term.

After all, a really big grape is what, the size of a golf ball?

But today my life is big like the size of the Death Star.

While my successor has settled in well, and taken to the job like a fish to water (mostly. which is more than I could have expected. my type A judgementalness can only be so accommodating).

I finish on Friday. And as I tried to explain to my pseudo-therapist, I'm not just leaving a job or an office. I am letting what I thought was my dream life die.

I am giving up on more than the desk, but the whole industry. I will never see 90% of these people (and there are thousands of them) again. I am turning my back on much of what I have built with every ounce of my being for the last five years, and that is an intense thing.

I wish I could viking funeral boat the whole place to give me a sense of scale, but that would be highly illegal. But farewell toast and a box of paltry desk detrious to cart home really isn't going to do this transition justice.


Also, leaving this work means leaving employment. What I need is time and space to sort out new directions and new plans.

I'm clocking off.

And it's terrifying.

I had no idea I had such a profound and abiding fear of poverty until the prospect of living without a paycheck arrived.

I am suddenly so small and so scared and fly off the handle about all sorts of random rubbish because deep down I am afraid I can't support myself. That I am starting on a slippery slope to destitution, ruin and depression I'll never recover from.

I don't believe it. Most of the time. But it is lurking my sadly child-like brain. waiting to haunt my days.


So, for better or worse, my throes of panic have brought about change.

On a positive bent, I asked the world for what I did want: flexible, artistic, full-filling PART TIME work to pay the bills while we save up to move. In media especially, as I think that's where I am headed.

On a negative one, I panicked at having freetime to face my fears and was cajoled by my overly analytical and deeply manipulative brain to find rash acts under which to bury my undying terror of poverty and loneliness.

Either way, I've now got more work than I know what to do with.

I'm a specialist consultant of freelance retainer with the BBC.
I'm doing some event management at the Science Festival.
I'm project managing a Book Festival thing on contract.


and Monday I have a meeting about running a specialised PR campaign around a new book hitting the market this spring.


Ask and ye shall receive, even when it's a mixed blessing.


Please don't let me ruin this. I worked so hard to let go. To give myself time and space and this spring to sort my life out. Don't let me railroad it with projects until I can't see straight.

Don't let me waste this chance for change.

Today I cleared out my desk. Every scrap of me is now removed (we had to take a taxi home), and tomorrow She starts.

I tried not to get teary eyed and weird, but to be honest. It's a lot more than a desk.

I'm giving up the reigns, and I've never been much of a passenger at the best of times.

I hope I am up to this. This letting go. This starting over.

It may well be amazing, but it also happens to be fucking terrifying.

Liam has just brought home the most phallic carrot I have ever seen.

There really is no adequate response.

Today I have to clear out my desk.

My replacement starts the day after we get back from Christmas, and I think it's important she's sitting at her own desk from day one.

I'll still be there, for almost a month all in, to help her transition (read: braindump all the things I haven't yet had time to write into cohesive handover notes) and train some of the new staff while she settles in - but it'll be from a hotdesk. Which is going to be supremely weird if I'm not careful.

Today the BBC called about consulting on a documentary.

Sometimes it's like the stars are in alignment.

Also, I have great socks. They make me super happy.

Official

Yesterday we had to take the day off work and catch a dawn-o-clock train to Glasgow.

The mission? Avoid getting deported.

Currently, I am granted leave to remain in the UK because my big important job sponsors me to stay (they even had to write the government and say no one else in Europe could do my job as well as me to prove I wasn't stealing work from EEA nationals and everything).

Which means the day I stopped working there, I technically would have been an illegal alien.



So, after much agonising discussion (after all, we are planning to leave, it's just a question of timing) - we decided I needed a visa that let me live and work until we finally board the plane and wave goodbye.

Which meant in government terms form FLR(M). Or, a marriage visa.

The UK government is all up with modern life and so this form is for anyone married, civil partnered, or "living in a relationship akin to marriage".

So, yesterday we traipsed to the Border Agency with our bank statements and tax forms and proof we live together for the past few years and had our own pseudo-civil-service.

We had to sign a bit of paper saying we intended to stay in this committed relationship. This was promising the government that we are Us, and will be from here on out.

It could just be an ID card that means I'm not deported.

But actually, it's a pretty big fucking deal.

Because for me, it's the same promise as married. One I already made in my heart, I just finally said it out loud.

Being legally bound doesn't change anything, yet it is more than just a document. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like I made a big step yesterday.

A momentous moment, thrown into relief by the shitty cubicle in the dodgy office complex in which it took place.

And yet perfectly highlighted by its weirdness. How he held my hand in the creepy waiting room. How I chatted to the security guards to help ease the formality (and tension in his shoulders). How we made weird faces and silent conversation about the menagerie around us, including the adorable toddler and the insane mail order bride. How we came home to collapse in a sleepy heap and have celebratory cheesecake straight from the tin.

How no matter how weird or hard or exhausting the process is, at the end of the day we're still two little beans in our little bean pod. Just the way it should be.

Life in the fast lane

Things are changing. I am changing.

All of a sudden, life isn't happening to me - I am making life happen. Which is highly unexpected, but incredible.

In sum, I have quite my job. I am leaving Scotland. We are beginning a new life.

It will probably be back near Midwestia, and it will probably involve Liam being an academic. Me, I want to make documentaries and be a creative consultant on science and history projects. I want to write a book of essays. I want to be my art, not just commission other people's anymore.

It's not really a plan. First time in my life I haven't planned every step and sub-category along the way.

But you know what? That's not the only way to do it. and in fact, it's fucking exhausting to worry so much.

To be so preoccupied with the future I never get to enjoy now.

I am quitting more than my job, I am quitting being typeA. No matter what battlescars made me cope that way, I am unchoosing it. Right now.

Besides, everything I put on the list of life achievements so far has happened (yes, I really did have a list taped inside my closet):

Go to Italy - check
Travel the world - check
Be important and powerful - check
Fall in love - check
Live in Europe - check
be published - check
be famous - check
Go back to Scotland - check
Have letters after my name - check (it's BS MSc, but still)

Maybe I set my sights low.

Maybe I changed my mind.

But being on the local news and recognised in the grocery store isn't as fun as you think.

And living in Europe is amazing, but exhausting too. I'm ready to not be the foreigner for a while. I've forgotten what it's like to fit in. Maybe I never will, but I'd like to put down the burden of being special for awhile at least.

and I figure I'm young enough to throw it out the window and have an adventure.

We talk about joining the peacecorps or backpacking in Thailand. Roadtriping the east coast and learning to sail. I have so much more life than spreadsheets. And my ideas are too big for a town this small.

And frankly, for once, I don't care if I fail. I don't want to be perfect anymore, I just want to be Sara.

And for now she is just not a desk job, small town, salaried person. Even if it's an amazing job and a big salary. even if it's a heart breakingly beautiful town. and a world of people who re passionate about interesting things.

It's just not going to cut the mustard until I make and do and be what I want. What I believe in.

And I've had just enough success to know other people believe me too. My one great gift in life is so much enthusiasm it's contagious. So many ideas and connections and possibilities the world is teeming with projects and more things than I can ever do.

I love having ideas. They are pretty good ones too (good enough other people steal them for their book jackets and newspaper articles, and if you are my boss, a lot more than that). And if they are good enough to steal maybe they are good enough to sell. Hell, good enough to actually do something with instead of shelving for someday.

And frankly, my ideas are way better than my work ethic, so I may as well find a way to make money at what I do well. So why wouldn't I take the leap? What have I got to lose?

now.

I have learned a lot of things lately. About who I am. About what I want.

While it is a little disappointing to be about 15 years behind schedule with this sort of thing, I've gotten over the shoulds for the most part now. I am a zen Buddha goddess it turns out. Also, I am battling depression - but more about that some other time.

Today, today is for remembrance.

For the Grady Family weekend
Yes, archery and canoes and pirates and dogs are brilliant. But mostly it just makes me happy to have all of us in the same place again. Also, am doing much internal work on being more open and honest with my family. So far C-, but I'll get there. I think. Thanks for being patient.

For Liam's unswerving devotion
Despite my crises of conscious and mood swings, he sees fit to love me anyway. I am so goddamn lucky (and scared).

For autumn leaves and crisp apples
It is a season of change. Of letting go. Of decay and dormancy as well as harvest. It is time. I am ready. Let's watch the sun set on this life and be relieved.

For Michigan
Shockingly, it turns out it's one of the most beautiful places in the world. After all this running away, I've been blind to the natural wonders of our little peninsula. While I vow never to settle down in Owosso or Webberville, just thinking of it makes me happy.

Mackinac
Chippewa
Menomenee

Saranac
Pewamo
Petoskey

Tequamanon
Cheboygan
Saugatuck

From Kalkaska to Escanaba,
via Sault Ste Marie and Kalamazoo
Michigan's places roll in my mouth and taste of home.

I inadvertently made a girl cry today.

I feel shit.

Rumbly in my Tumbly

Today, is a food day.

I have these sometimes. Where food is literally all I can think about. I can taste the flavours and get massive cravings. It's honestly impossible to do much else than think about food, make food, shop for food recipes and daydream of glorious delicacies past.

Which means I am not going to tell you about the office road trip to Wales or how I started writing in an honest-to-goodness-leather-bound-journal as part of this self help project I'm on. No, today is for feasting.

Dinner is cooking and I can hardly wait, so I am going to tell you about it to help alleviate my impatient wait time.

Today, Stuffed Peppers and Fake Paella

First, the peppers:
Puy Lentils are seriously amazing. Even if you think pulse are for dirty hippies, trust me, these are awesome. Like beans but better, like grains but fuller, all yummy scrummy perfect.

Simmer with a bit of garlic, a bit of stock and a dash of red wine and herbs (I use italian ones for this).

While cooking, cut Red and Yellow Peppers in half and deseed. Lay out in a casserole dish.

When the lentils are cooked and soaked up all the juices, spoon into the pepper hollows.

Rip up mozzerella and some fresh basil and garnish. Add a few cherry tomato halves to each face.

Bake for 20-odd minutes until cheese is crispy and peppers are soft.

For fake paella, because I cannot be bothered with the full on monster pot full and hours of simmering tonight (even though it's amazing):

Fry an onion.
Add chopped up chorizo/pepperoni stick
Add a cup of rice plus spices (today: paprika, chili and a bit of coriander and cumin)
Add stock/water and simmer rice until almost cooked
Add a cup of peas right before the end

Serve.

It's going to be a masterpiece of simplicity. I cannot wait.

ps - Got france in the world cup draw. is that good?

Crazy Eights

I liked this in Heidi Renee's blog, and seeing as I rarely come up with anything interesting/fun to say these days, thought I'd give it a shot.


8 T.V. Shows I Watch
I mostly watch tv on demand or on dvd, so airing dates have become obsolete in our house, but most of these I watch pretty regularly

1. Glee
2. Agatha Christie's Poirot
3. Veronica Mars
4. 30 Rock
5. the nerdtastic The Story of Science
6. the geekery and banter of QI, because who doesn't love Stephen Fry?
7. Plus we're savouring the last series of Battlestar...
8. and just about to start Mad Men

8 Favorite Places to Eat and Drink
I've limited myself to Edinburgh establishment of quirky distinction. Should you visit, I'll take you to them all:

1. eteaket : (see what they did there?) gourmet cakes (from Libby's, see below), the world's best scones and a tea menu larger than most wine lists

2. oink : proper old fashioned hog roast roll is the perfect winter warmer. the best hand-held food money can buy.

3. libby's cakes : a place for only cupcakes and cake cakes. decadence is perfection. especially with glitter icing.

4. cafe andaluz : tapas that will make you melt and the world's best tablet to finish.

5. oloroso : a rooftop patio to die for and my favourite local micro-brew: Innis & Gunn

6. bramble : exotic cocktails in vintage tea cups. what's not to love?

7. ashai : best chicken tikka biryani in town.

8. under the stairs. quaint, cosy and full of beaten up leather chairs. perfect for a quiet drink.

honourable mention: my parents house on Sunday mornings. dad's brunch is still unrivaled.


8 Things I Look Forward To

1. lazy sex at the weekend
2. sunny afternoons
3. the next great novel which will sweep me off my feet
4. seeing my sister again
5. moving, leaving and starting over
5. getting out to open water
6. special occasions (which lately have included Othello night (the game, not the play) and going to "our" band's gig)
7. taking a bath
8. oddly, some exercise. i am in the market for a bike.

8 Things That Happened Yesterday

1. did yoga in the garden, bliss.
2. liam did The 48 Hour Film Project
3. baked my first but by no means last madeira cake.
4. slept alone because of number 2 :(
5. made lemonade from scratch for to picnic in this heat wave
6. ...and ended up with a nasty sunburn on my back
7. bought a killer new dress
8. watched Anne of Avonlea

8 Things I Like About Summer

1. long, long evenings (we're so far north the sun doesn't go down til after 10pm lately)
2. soaking up heat until I can feel it in my bones
3. the emergence of my freckles at last
4. everything feels more cheerful
5. picnics and bbqs
6. the soft breeze off the water
7. the lushness and slowness of everything
8. the excitment that bleeds into the city as Festival season approaches


8 Things I'm Passionate About

1. Family
2. Nature
3. Education
4. Free Speech
5. art, in all its forms
6. developing a deeper understanding of my connection to the universe
7. the feeling of home
8. community

8 Words or Phrases I Use Often

1. love you like salt
2. bean
3. noodle fish
4. hey lady
5. fuck (or when really annoyed, jesus fucking christ)
6. i'm okay
7. seriously?
8. whatever.

8 Things I Have Learned From the Past

1. Feel, then think, then do.
2. Stopping to reassess may feel like it costs you time, but it saves you sanity which is priceless
3. writing things down really is cathardic
4. People change more than you know (and aren't nearly as scary as you think)
5. Be passionate and the work will find you.
6. Always eat local, especially when travelling. McDonalds in Germany tastes like shit, and kofta tastes brilliant you get over the fact it looks like a poo log.
7. College is more about learning about you than learning facts.
8. Enough is better than too much in almost everything.

8 Places I'd Like to Visit
where I haven't been before

1. Thailand
2. New Zealand
3. New York City
4. Tokyo
5. Eastern Europe (Budapest, Vienna & Prague)
6. Costa Rica
7. Orient Express (train from Florence to Paris)
8. The pyramids

8 Things I Currently Want/Need

1. Want: Liam to wake up so we can have dinner
2. Want: new jeans
3. Need: to find a path in life
4. Need: inner guidance
5. Want: grilled halloumi, yum
6. Want: purge this every growing pile of unnecessary stuff cluttering up the house
7. Want: a bicycle
8. Need: forgiveness

I won't tag anyone in particular, go for it if you're so inclined!

joie de vivre

I realised something momentous today.

I know what I want to do with my life. Of course, I've always sort of known in that vaguely intuitive, childish way - but not really articulated it.

I doubt I can do so here because as always, I never make things easy for myself.

Turns out what I want to do isn't a job or an occupation or a career. It's not an act or series of acts. It's not achievement driven or on a measurable path.

But I know what it is, and I am pretty sure I can guess what it isn't.

Here are things it is:
sharing
learning
growing
encouraging
inspiring
passion
joy

Here are things I will do:
talk
write
discuss
create
perform

But the fundamental thing I missed when I thought I had my perfect job, is that I am too far removed. I spend my time curating great art - and facilitating the meaningful, enlightening discussion of artist and audience.

But I don't want to be the facilitator, juggling the needs and desires of others, or managing other people's talent anymore.

I want to be involved. I want to share my voice. Inspire with my passions. Teach what I know in this old soul.

I think at first glance documentary films (a la the Discovery Channel) and journalism are my first port of call - but I could go anywhere.

Maybe I'll lecture in colleges (I might teach, but I won't teach those who don't want to learn). Maybe I'll tour conferences and festivals giving talks. Maybe I will become a Charlie Rose talking head somewhere down the line, but that's not an ambition, it's a bi-product of being an expert in what you do.


I believe learning is growing, and growing is the path to personal development and well being. I want to live that journey and share it with others. I am ready to discover what this world has to offer and spend my life sharing that joy with you.

So thanks, in advance, for tolerating my joie de vivre.