Liam has just brought home the most phallic carrot I have ever seen.

There really is no adequate response.

Today I have to clear out my desk.

My replacement starts the day after we get back from Christmas, and I think it's important she's sitting at her own desk from day one.

I'll still be there, for almost a month all in, to help her transition (read: braindump all the things I haven't yet had time to write into cohesive handover notes) and train some of the new staff while she settles in - but it'll be from a hotdesk. Which is going to be supremely weird if I'm not careful.

Today the BBC called about consulting on a documentary.

Sometimes it's like the stars are in alignment.

Also, I have great socks. They make me super happy.

Official

Yesterday we had to take the day off work and catch a dawn-o-clock train to Glasgow.

The mission? Avoid getting deported.

Currently, I am granted leave to remain in the UK because my big important job sponsors me to stay (they even had to write the government and say no one else in Europe could do my job as well as me to prove I wasn't stealing work from EEA nationals and everything).

Which means the day I stopped working there, I technically would have been an illegal alien.



So, after much agonising discussion (after all, we are planning to leave, it's just a question of timing) - we decided I needed a visa that let me live and work until we finally board the plane and wave goodbye.

Which meant in government terms form FLR(M). Or, a marriage visa.

The UK government is all up with modern life and so this form is for anyone married, civil partnered, or "living in a relationship akin to marriage".

So, yesterday we traipsed to the Border Agency with our bank statements and tax forms and proof we live together for the past few years and had our own pseudo-civil-service.

We had to sign a bit of paper saying we intended to stay in this committed relationship. This was promising the government that we are Us, and will be from here on out.

It could just be an ID card that means I'm not deported.

But actually, it's a pretty big fucking deal.

Because for me, it's the same promise as married. One I already made in my heart, I just finally said it out loud.

Being legally bound doesn't change anything, yet it is more than just a document. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like I made a big step yesterday.

A momentous moment, thrown into relief by the shitty cubicle in the dodgy office complex in which it took place.

And yet perfectly highlighted by its weirdness. How he held my hand in the creepy waiting room. How I chatted to the security guards to help ease the formality (and tension in his shoulders). How we made weird faces and silent conversation about the menagerie around us, including the adorable toddler and the insane mail order bride. How we came home to collapse in a sleepy heap and have celebratory cheesecake straight from the tin.

How no matter how weird or hard or exhausting the process is, at the end of the day we're still two little beans in our little bean pod. Just the way it should be.

Life in the fast lane

Things are changing. I am changing.

All of a sudden, life isn't happening to me - I am making life happen. Which is highly unexpected, but incredible.

In sum, I have quite my job. I am leaving Scotland. We are beginning a new life.

It will probably be back near Midwestia, and it will probably involve Liam being an academic. Me, I want to make documentaries and be a creative consultant on science and history projects. I want to write a book of essays. I want to be my art, not just commission other people's anymore.

It's not really a plan. First time in my life I haven't planned every step and sub-category along the way.

But you know what? That's not the only way to do it. and in fact, it's fucking exhausting to worry so much.

To be so preoccupied with the future I never get to enjoy now.

I am quitting more than my job, I am quitting being typeA. No matter what battlescars made me cope that way, I am unchoosing it. Right now.

Besides, everything I put on the list of life achievements so far has happened (yes, I really did have a list taped inside my closet):

Go to Italy - check
Travel the world - check
Be important and powerful - check
Fall in love - check
Live in Europe - check
be published - check
be famous - check
Go back to Scotland - check
Have letters after my name - check (it's BS MSc, but still)

Maybe I set my sights low.

Maybe I changed my mind.

But being on the local news and recognised in the grocery store isn't as fun as you think.

And living in Europe is amazing, but exhausting too. I'm ready to not be the foreigner for a while. I've forgotten what it's like to fit in. Maybe I never will, but I'd like to put down the burden of being special for awhile at least.

and I figure I'm young enough to throw it out the window and have an adventure.

We talk about joining the peacecorps or backpacking in Thailand. Roadtriping the east coast and learning to sail. I have so much more life than spreadsheets. And my ideas are too big for a town this small.

And frankly, for once, I don't care if I fail. I don't want to be perfect anymore, I just want to be Sara.

And for now she is just not a desk job, small town, salaried person. Even if it's an amazing job and a big salary. even if it's a heart breakingly beautiful town. and a world of people who re passionate about interesting things.

It's just not going to cut the mustard until I make and do and be what I want. What I believe in.

And I've had just enough success to know other people believe me too. My one great gift in life is so much enthusiasm it's contagious. So many ideas and connections and possibilities the world is teeming with projects and more things than I can ever do.

I love having ideas. They are pretty good ones too (good enough other people steal them for their book jackets and newspaper articles, and if you are my boss, a lot more than that). And if they are good enough to steal maybe they are good enough to sell. Hell, good enough to actually do something with instead of shelving for someday.

And frankly, my ideas are way better than my work ethic, so I may as well find a way to make money at what I do well. So why wouldn't I take the leap? What have I got to lose?

now.

I have learned a lot of things lately. About who I am. About what I want.

While it is a little disappointing to be about 15 years behind schedule with this sort of thing, I've gotten over the shoulds for the most part now. I am a zen Buddha goddess it turns out. Also, I am battling depression - but more about that some other time.

Today, today is for remembrance.

For the Grady Family weekend
Yes, archery and canoes and pirates and dogs are brilliant. But mostly it just makes me happy to have all of us in the same place again. Also, am doing much internal work on being more open and honest with my family. So far C-, but I'll get there. I think. Thanks for being patient.

For Liam's unswerving devotion
Despite my crises of conscious and mood swings, he sees fit to love me anyway. I am so goddamn lucky (and scared).

For autumn leaves and crisp apples
It is a season of change. Of letting go. Of decay and dormancy as well as harvest. It is time. I am ready. Let's watch the sun set on this life and be relieved.

For Michigan
Shockingly, it turns out it's one of the most beautiful places in the world. After all this running away, I've been blind to the natural wonders of our little peninsula. While I vow never to settle down in Owosso or Webberville, just thinking of it makes me happy.

Mackinac
Chippewa
Menomenee

Saranac
Pewamo
Petoskey

Tequamanon
Cheboygan
Saugatuck

From Kalkaska to Escanaba,
via Sault Ste Marie and Kalamazoo
Michigan's places roll in my mouth and taste of home.

I inadvertently made a girl cry today.

I feel shit.

Rumbly in my Tumbly

Today, is a food day.

I have these sometimes. Where food is literally all I can think about. I can taste the flavours and get massive cravings. It's honestly impossible to do much else than think about food, make food, shop for food recipes and daydream of glorious delicacies past.

Which means I am not going to tell you about the office road trip to Wales or how I started writing in an honest-to-goodness-leather-bound-journal as part of this self help project I'm on. No, today is for feasting.

Dinner is cooking and I can hardly wait, so I am going to tell you about it to help alleviate my impatient wait time.

Today, Stuffed Peppers and Fake Paella

First, the peppers:
Puy Lentils are seriously amazing. Even if you think pulse are for dirty hippies, trust me, these are awesome. Like beans but better, like grains but fuller, all yummy scrummy perfect.

Simmer with a bit of garlic, a bit of stock and a dash of red wine and herbs (I use italian ones for this).

While cooking, cut Red and Yellow Peppers in half and deseed. Lay out in a casserole dish.

When the lentils are cooked and soaked up all the juices, spoon into the pepper hollows.

Rip up mozzerella and some fresh basil and garnish. Add a few cherry tomato halves to each face.

Bake for 20-odd minutes until cheese is crispy and peppers are soft.

For fake paella, because I cannot be bothered with the full on monster pot full and hours of simmering tonight (even though it's amazing):

Fry an onion.
Add chopped up chorizo/pepperoni stick
Add a cup of rice plus spices (today: paprika, chili and a bit of coriander and cumin)
Add stock/water and simmer rice until almost cooked
Add a cup of peas right before the end

Serve.

It's going to be a masterpiece of simplicity. I cannot wait.

ps - Got france in the world cup draw. is that good?

Crazy Eights

I liked this in Heidi Renee's blog, and seeing as I rarely come up with anything interesting/fun to say these days, thought I'd give it a shot.


8 T.V. Shows I Watch
I mostly watch tv on demand or on dvd, so airing dates have become obsolete in our house, but most of these I watch pretty regularly

1. Glee
2. Agatha Christie's Poirot
3. Veronica Mars
4. 30 Rock
5. the nerdtastic The Story of Science
6. the geekery and banter of QI, because who doesn't love Stephen Fry?
7. Plus we're savouring the last series of Battlestar...
8. and just about to start Mad Men

8 Favorite Places to Eat and Drink
I've limited myself to Edinburgh establishment of quirky distinction. Should you visit, I'll take you to them all:

1. eteaket : (see what they did there?) gourmet cakes (from Libby's, see below), the world's best scones and a tea menu larger than most wine lists

2. oink : proper old fashioned hog roast roll is the perfect winter warmer. the best hand-held food money can buy.

3. libby's cakes : a place for only cupcakes and cake cakes. decadence is perfection. especially with glitter icing.

4. cafe andaluz : tapas that will make you melt and the world's best tablet to finish.

5. oloroso : a rooftop patio to die for and my favourite local micro-brew: Innis & Gunn

6. bramble : exotic cocktails in vintage tea cups. what's not to love?

7. ashai : best chicken tikka biryani in town.

8. under the stairs. quaint, cosy and full of beaten up leather chairs. perfect for a quiet drink.

honourable mention: my parents house on Sunday mornings. dad's brunch is still unrivaled.


8 Things I Look Forward To

1. lazy sex at the weekend
2. sunny afternoons
3. the next great novel which will sweep me off my feet
4. seeing my sister again
5. moving, leaving and starting over
5. getting out to open water
6. special occasions (which lately have included Othello night (the game, not the play) and going to "our" band's gig)
7. taking a bath
8. oddly, some exercise. i am in the market for a bike.

8 Things That Happened Yesterday

1. did yoga in the garden, bliss.
2. liam did The 48 Hour Film Project
3. baked my first but by no means last madeira cake.
4. slept alone because of number 2 :(
5. made lemonade from scratch for to picnic in this heat wave
6. ...and ended up with a nasty sunburn on my back
7. bought a killer new dress
8. watched Anne of Avonlea

8 Things I Like About Summer

1. long, long evenings (we're so far north the sun doesn't go down til after 10pm lately)
2. soaking up heat until I can feel it in my bones
3. the emergence of my freckles at last
4. everything feels more cheerful
5. picnics and bbqs
6. the soft breeze off the water
7. the lushness and slowness of everything
8. the excitment that bleeds into the city as Festival season approaches


8 Things I'm Passionate About

1. Family
2. Nature
3. Education
4. Free Speech
5. art, in all its forms
6. developing a deeper understanding of my connection to the universe
7. the feeling of home
8. community

8 Words or Phrases I Use Often

1. love you like salt
2. bean
3. noodle fish
4. hey lady
5. fuck (or when really annoyed, jesus fucking christ)
6. i'm okay
7. seriously?
8. whatever.

8 Things I Have Learned From the Past

1. Feel, then think, then do.
2. Stopping to reassess may feel like it costs you time, but it saves you sanity which is priceless
3. writing things down really is cathardic
4. People change more than you know (and aren't nearly as scary as you think)
5. Be passionate and the work will find you.
6. Always eat local, especially when travelling. McDonalds in Germany tastes like shit, and kofta tastes brilliant you get over the fact it looks like a poo log.
7. College is more about learning about you than learning facts.
8. Enough is better than too much in almost everything.

8 Places I'd Like to Visit
where I haven't been before

1. Thailand
2. New Zealand
3. New York City
4. Tokyo
5. Eastern Europe (Budapest, Vienna & Prague)
6. Costa Rica
7. Orient Express (train from Florence to Paris)
8. The pyramids

8 Things I Currently Want/Need

1. Want: Liam to wake up so we can have dinner
2. Want: new jeans
3. Need: to find a path in life
4. Need: inner guidance
5. Want: grilled halloumi, yum
6. Want: purge this every growing pile of unnecessary stuff cluttering up the house
7. Want: a bicycle
8. Need: forgiveness

I won't tag anyone in particular, go for it if you're so inclined!

joie de vivre

I realised something momentous today.

I know what I want to do with my life. Of course, I've always sort of known in that vaguely intuitive, childish way - but not really articulated it.

I doubt I can do so here because as always, I never make things easy for myself.

Turns out what I want to do isn't a job or an occupation or a career. It's not an act or series of acts. It's not achievement driven or on a measurable path.

But I know what it is, and I am pretty sure I can guess what it isn't.

Here are things it is:
sharing
learning
growing
encouraging
inspiring
passion
joy

Here are things I will do:
talk
write
discuss
create
perform

But the fundamental thing I missed when I thought I had my perfect job, is that I am too far removed. I spend my time curating great art - and facilitating the meaningful, enlightening discussion of artist and audience.

But I don't want to be the facilitator, juggling the needs and desires of others, or managing other people's talent anymore.

I want to be involved. I want to share my voice. Inspire with my passions. Teach what I know in this old soul.

I think at first glance documentary films (a la the Discovery Channel) and journalism are my first port of call - but I could go anywhere.

Maybe I'll lecture in colleges (I might teach, but I won't teach those who don't want to learn). Maybe I'll tour conferences and festivals giving talks. Maybe I will become a Charlie Rose talking head somewhere down the line, but that's not an ambition, it's a bi-product of being an expert in what you do.


I believe learning is growing, and growing is the path to personal development and well being. I want to live that journey and share it with others. I am ready to discover what this world has to offer and spend my life sharing that joy with you.

So thanks, in advance, for tolerating my joie de vivre.

hello, world

hey there stranger.

It may not have been a conscious decision, but I stopped blogging for a while. You may have noticed.

Turns out my health/quarter-life crisis required I unplug for a while while I re-sifted my reality.

Now is not the time to give you the full blown monologue on the epiphanies, much less the hilarious stories of speculums, pregancy tests and the world of part-time, but I do want to record this milestone.

My doctors say my body is acting like it's pregnant.
My therapist says I am emerging a new person.
I say I've finally given birth to myself. A whole and complete woman, for the first time at peace and celebrating my body, my health and the planet. I feel radiant and alive in ways I never knew were possible.

It sounds hippy dippy, and it is. One of the things I found is a spirituality I didn't know I had and am still coming to terms with.

It's terrifying to admit the life I built isn't for me. It's more than a job or a house or a city, but my whole way of life. I don't do the things I love. I'm only starting to realise what they are.

The scary bit is letting go. This place isn't without beauty, this life isn't a bad one. These people deserve friendship, this job deserves love. That wasn't wrong, and I wasn't wrong to choose it.

but I built a version of my life that centered on giving all of me, and not getting enough back. and for once, I'm willing to fold.

So while I'm not about to post my manifesto (I do have one. It's still in draft. I hope it always is), here are some true things:

- I love to work with my hands.
- I love to be outside
- I love to create
- I want to connect more honestly, openly and deeply with my world.
- especially with my family, even though I am terrified they will hate this and condemn my sentimental illogical leap of faith.


I want to build a world of my choosing, and it's starting now.

recovering

So it's March. The year is 17% over.

I am not any further along on the things I promised myself. I don't have a plan, or a direction or a new job. I haven't thought about the move and I don't have a clue what life will be like for us when we make all these big changes. (I've started to worry that I am avoiding it all, and that deep down I am terrified that US won't be us anymore when everything else is different. Which is silly I know, but I've had a lot of time to wind myself up in circles.)

I suppose the real issue is my stupid gut. After 4 months without hormones or menses, they have come back with a vengeance. And a growth lump on my ovary which is hemorrhaged, filling with blood and causing trouble.

While I am totally fine and definitely not dying of cancer, every day is harder than it should be. The side effects of my overly freaked out body are exhausting.

I keep telling myself it's nothing. Hopefully it'll solve itself if I can outlast the symptoms. That actually, on any given day, things are fine, I am okay and life is going to keep trucking on.

Partly that's true. Well, actually that's completely true - but it's sometimes hard to believe. Today I was back at another doctors. I was looking at the running list of symptoms I keep in my bag as if it was a grocery list:
abdominal pain? check
nausea? check
tender and swollen pelvis? check
the list goes on for a page.

And getting to the end my heart skipped a beat. Not because any one of those things is awful. not because they even all happen all the time. but added up, it is that bad. it sucks. its exhausting. and it's hard. and it's taken me this long to admit it, so all the pretending and compensating and guilt tripping myself into keeping on and keeping up is actually part of the problem more likely than not.

And I could kick myself.

The hardest part is that somewhere along the way I've lost is the drive to keep trying.

in the break and rest and time out that is required for healing and thinking and doctors, i've accidentally taken a breather from my life. and once you stop it is inevitable that the free time that comes with being laid up starts to make you look around. and it's depressing that all i see is carnage.

a broken body. an exhausted mind. no will. no ambition. no creativity. no passion. no friendships, they've all fallen by the wayside since i stopped writing, calling, going out or doing anything but watching bad tv and moaning alone and small. an absolute lack of anything resembling my personality. a relationship that takes all our energy and freetime - i think because the mood swings, fatigue and deteriorating link to the real world are making it increasingly difficult for me to listen, help, support and care about anything. so what energy we do have is making up for it - little kindnesses and long talks, nice things, but not, I'd wager, the meaningful depth, incredible intimacy and valuable seperateness that make (made?) us so good. and that is not anyone's fault but it's sad.

And while part of me is just exhausted, angry and impatient to reclaim myself, I have no interest in getting back on this carousel. I can't pretend I want things to go back to how they were (airy fairy it may be, i feel like this serendipitous fresh start and new look is one of the great goods that will come from this. i needed it). but it's going to be hard and it's scary. and right now i am not okay enough to handle that, so it's just sitting there. looming. waiting for me.

it is an an aweful and awesome thing to realise how fragile your own mortality is.

perhaps most people survive this cliche, but to realise big bad things don't just happen to other people is fucking midbending and life changing.

it is just a little pathetic it takes such a stupid little thing like some malformed cells and busted tissue to make me wake up.

sleeping beauty

So here's the thing: I'm not me. I know that can sound bitterly cliche, but tragically it also happens to be true.

For weeks now I've felt drifty, confused and generally like I've just climbed out of the whirlygig. Or more likely, I'm just waking up - just groggily coming to consciousness and still in the liminal half dreamspace where both realities exist, but neither one is fully realised.

It's freaking me out.

Partly, life is liberating. Admitting how much I hate this has put me in touch with bigger, wilder emotions than I've felt in a long time (thankfully this includes my long lost libido).

But also, it's insanely weird to feel like the life I've been living is somehow less. Is actually a state of cryogenic deep freeze whereby my everything got lost and I'm only just remembering how this all works. like that freakish mel gibson movie.

so I don't have any answers. I certainly don't have a plan.

and while part of me a freaking out, I keep telling myself that's the type-A bit that persuaded me life in a semi-coma for the last year and I shouldn't listen to her.

remember

this is it people. the year of change.

i'm not above admitting I am terrified and lost, but I am unwilling to keep treading the same disappointment. it's amazingly liberating. and also exhausting, but that okay because...

we are leaving. it is over. the long drawn out break up between me and this life is now officially over.

and in my purge (my shiatzu lady tells me it is the re-balancing of my water element in my kidney that calls for this winter pruning), i have found something I wrote down last September.

Funny I already forgot it, but then I have forgotten a lot of things that were hard to hear in the recent past.

so here, now, is my utterly incomplete but absolutely true list of needs:

- spend time every day just listening to yourself

- do not confuse overwhelming volume of input with meaningful output. distraction isn't the same thing.

- eat only homemade baked goods and sweets. pick your poison. no preservatives or weird shit. ps, bagels are exempt. bread is too until I learn how to make it.

- get local, seasonal fruit and veg (and eat at least 3 every day).

- vary my diet and sleep patterns for different times of year.

- which means you are allowed to give into the winter need for sleep sometimes, just don't let it win.

- lay down every day

- look out the window every day

- stretch every day

- make find and invent occasions for dressing up

- solve domestic issues without just buying things

- start that quilt

- eat dinner at the table at least once a week

- do something completely on my own more often

- be outside every day. really be. even if it's cold and wet and horrible.

- tell my family how I feel. really.

- look after Liam. this is going to be harder for him than it is for you.



here endeth the lesson.